Time Crunch

Over the past while, I have become acutely aware of a serious lack of time in my life.  Part of this is due to me going to school, part of it is likely due to the impending whirlwind that is the Holidays and part of it is, no doubt, due to me being just plain terrible at time management.  Regardless of the reasons, I have noticed that I just don't have time to do all the things I want to do.

I could easily spend more time doing homework and studying than I do now.  I would like to put a few more hours into cleaning the house (on a regular basis).  I need to paint/renovate my dining room and turn it into my own little massage haven.  I have a very large backlog of books I would like to read.  I would like to bake cookies (Christmas and otherwise).  I want - and need - to write.  I require new shoes (for those of you unaware, I have very hard to fit feet so shoe shopping takes a vast amount of time).  And the list goes on...

The interesting thing about the above list is that it's comprised of things that I want to do.  Honestly, I can't remember a time in the recent past when I've really wanted to do anything.  I am feeling oddly inspired lately to get things done, which is a rather new and exciting feeling for me.  The biggest thing holding me back is the time in which to get it all done. 

I know it's a problem most people have, but it's a new one for me.  For years I had all the time in the world (or so it seemed) and no desire to do anything with it.  I'm not sure how long this burst of inspiration will last, but I hope it's long enough for me to get at least some of it done.

Depression

Yesterday I had a 4-hour lecture on "Emotional Response" which was designed to cover the basic concepts of emotions and how massage therapy can elicit various kinds of emotional responses in people: some good, some bad and some completetly unexpected.  As myomassologists, we need to be prepared to deal with any and all cathartic moments that may occur in the scope of our practice.

We discussed the basics of emotions, different schools of thought from leading psychologists on what emotions are, how we identify them, how we learn to deal with them, especially as children, and how that can affect us throughout our lives.  In this part of the the lecture, we touched on Depression, which was described in our literature as "another internalizing problem that is related to the emotion of sadness".  It goes on to explain that people who are depressed may: feel sad, be irritable, lose interest or pleasure in activities they previously enjoyed, sleep too much/little, lose their appetites/eat more than usual, be agitated, be tired, have difficulty thinking/concentrating, feel worthless/hopeless/helpless/guilty and have low self-esteem.  As I was reading through this list, it became a personal checklist -- and all the little boxes on the checklist were neatly ticked off.

I will admit that this did not come as a huge surprise to me.  I have felt like this for most of my adult life and have many times wondered if I was, indeed, depressed because it seemed to me that it just wasn't normal to feel how I so often do.  I was pretty sure most other people didn't feel this way, at least on a regular basis.  And I was also pretty sure that when other people had bad days, it wasn't quite as debilitating as when I did.  I also did not know anyone else who, like me, spent 3 weeks sitting on the couch last winter, unable to get up and make herself do anything but the bare minimum required to keep her children fed and functioning. 

I don't know why I never really discussed this with anyone or tried to do any kind of research, but I didn't.  Until yesterday.  I showed my little checklist to my husband, who agreed with all my little tick marks and said that our therapist had once told him (likely last winter during my couch episode) that I was depressed.  So last night at therapy, the topic came up - in a roundabout kind of way - and sure enough, my therapist did indeed say that he thought I was prone to depression, which gets worse every now and then.

Huh.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with my therapist because I think it's always there -- it's just that most days I'm fairly capable of ignoring it or at least working around it.  Other times, when things get a little too overwhelming, it gets the better of me.  For the past few weeks, I've been walking a very fine line.  I'm still functioning but there have been many days when the swirling mass of sadness that hovers above threatens to descend and smother me.

I'm not sure that knowing I'm depressed - or even prone to depression - is going to help or change anything, although at least now I know I haven't completely lost it.  What I do hope is that this knowledge will help the people I am close to understand me just a little bit better.

Breathe

It's amazing what happens when the world slows down, and I have had a wonderfully slow today.  As I promised myself a couple of weeks ago, I have run away for a day or two, and while this little hiatus is not as long as I might have wished for, it is proving to be just long enough to have a positive and uplifting effect on my mood and my spirit.

The day started off slowly due, in part, to the repercussions of a late night and one drink too many but it also continued slowly, even after the remnants of the hangover fell away.  I spent the day with my best friend and we went out for lunch, enjoying food that I love but that the rest of my family is not so keen on.  We then spent the afternoon perusing a number of little shops, all of which happened to sell gemstones and crystals, and I added a few new stones to my collection.  (As it turns out, all the stones I chose today are grounding stones and are good for balancing emotions.)

In the course of the day, I remembered what a life without stress is like.  Today there was no emotional stress (thinking about my place in the world and my troubled marriage) and there was no time pressure (school, homework, kids, lessons, dinner, eek!).  I may not have had any epiphanies or come to any grand conclusions about life, but at least my head stopped spinning and I was able to unclench my teeth.  Just for a day, I was able to just be, just breathe.  Which was just what I needed. 

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I used to be a social being, possibly to the point of excess.  In my younger years, between school, work and my social life, the only time I spent at home was sleeping -- of which I did precious little.  Even as I grew older, I maintained a fairly healthy social calendar.  When I moved to Germany and didn't really have any friends, I still went out frequently.  I never let the lack of a social network deter me so I went to movies and to dance clubs (discos, as they are called there) alone.  As recently as a few years ago, I still maintained a steady habit of going to movies or out for drinks with friends, even though I got strange looks from the other moms as to why I went out with my friends "so often".  I never questioned it - that was just a part of who I was.

It dawned on me lately that I haven't been to see a movie in at least 6 months (aside from, perhaps, a film or two with the children) and I haven't been out with friends more than once or twice in the same time period.  I just don't go out anymore.  It's not that I don't have friends, I just don't make much effort to contact them or make any initiative to see them.

At school, while I am slowly getting to know some of the other students (I am actually quite shy so this is work for me even at the best of times) I have lunch alone.  My husband can not understand this.  In the same situation, he would know everyone by the end of the first day and would have lunch with a crowd every day of the week.  He is a pro at networking.  I am not.  However, I also used to be much better at putting myself out there than I currently am. 

So, I'm not making new friends and I'm not going out with my old friends, both of which are fairly unusual behaviours for me.  The question I asked myself, naturally, is "why?" and the only answer I could come up with is that I just don't think I'm very good company for anyone.  I find it incredibly difficult to put on a happy face for any length of time so unless I'm with the few friends I have who don't expect that of me, it's just way too much effort to be around other people.

While I don't mind seclusion and being solitary every once in a while (it IS good for the soul), this is getting to be a bit much.  I hope things turn around soon - or even eventually.  I kind of miss having fun. 

Leaving

I'm going to run away - at least for a while.  If I didn't have so many commitments (primarily school and the children) I would no doubt be dreaming of a much longer, more involved getaway.  One that at least involved me getting on an airplane, preferably to somewhere mountainous.  However, given my current situation (timely & monetary) I have scaled down my dreams to something much simpler: I will go somewhere and be gone at least one night.  My schedule is rather hectic and there are plans every weekend this month, leaving me with precious little time to go anywhere.  Luckily, my husband has booked 3 weeks off of work so I am hoping for at least a little mid-week interlude on a couple of the days when I have no classes.

It may not sound like much of an escape, but right now I will take what I can get.  I desperately need to remove myself from my current circumstances.  My life is in such constant turmoil that I need to find some other space in which to breathe, to purify and to cleanse -- if that's at all possible. 

Presently, my mind won't stop spinning, not a day goes by without me crying and I have been clenching my teeth for weeks on end.  I had a 50-minute massage in class today -- with my jaw firmly flexed nearly the entire time.  Who does that?

So I'm leaving. 
Not on a jet plane. 
Don't know when I'll be back again.  But I will be back.  Well, some version of me will return, which I hope will be one that is a little more relaxed and a lot more stable. 

Oh, babe, I can't wait to go.

Homeostasis

In school I'm always hearing about homeostasis: "a relatively stable state of equilibrium or a tendency toward such a state between the different but interdependent elements or groups of elements of an organism, population, or group." (Merriam-Webster)  Basically, it means that our bodies are constantly seeking balance.  At school, we are generally referring to physiological homeostasis, but the term can also be applied quite generally as well.

Over the past few days I've been able to observe myself seeking homeostasis.  I have not, by any means, been actively trying to balance myself, but it's happening - at least a little - whether I like it or not.

On Wednesday evening, I had what I shall refer to as an emotional breakdown.  A lot of things that I'd been keeping suppressed finally decided they needed to come out, which they did.  In force.  When it was over, I felt as if I had nothing left, as if I were broken.  I felt this way for a couple of days before I noticed that each day I felt a little bit better, even though nothing had changed.  Then today I felt somewhat buoyed by my son's birthday party and noted that I was looking forward to Halloween tomorrow.  It was nice to know that I was still capable of smiling and finding pleasure in some small aspects of my life. 

If you had asked me on Wednesday night if I thought that would be possible, I would have said "no".  But we humans are very interesting creatures.  What I'm learning is that despite everything that may be happening, our bodies will seek balance.  Even when we are down, we will (eventually) be able to see a silver lining somewhere, even if we're not really looking for it.  I won't always feel empty and broken, because my body won't let me. 

A Single Quote

"Looking in the mirror, staring back at me isn't so much a face as the expression of a predicament."
- Prof. George Falconer (Colin Firth) in 'A Single Man'

Rebel Yell

I've been in a miserable mood off and on for the past week.  There has been lots going on, both emotionally and otherwise, but somehow my mood never seemed to be related to the current highs or lows of my emotional state.  I obviously knew something was bothering me, but couldn't quite figure it out -- until today.

Today I remembered that I really - and I mean really - don't like being told what to do.  I'm sure anyone who knows me well enough will attest to that.  In a school or work situation, I'm ok with it but in my personal life, I really don't respond well to having other people ordering me around.  There's too much rebel in me.

I found this realization a little amusing because for the most part I think I've become tame - age does that to us - and I often wonder what has become of the individualist I used to be.  Well, it turns out she's still in there and she will make herself known if you try to tell me what to do. 

So while I don't particularly enjoy being miserable, I'm much more accepting of it now that I know the reason for it.  Because underneath it all I quite like that part of me.  The part that won't go softly into this good night when told to go there.  I might still go, but not without a good loud rebel yell.

Alone

Every once in a while, despite my best efforts to ignore and subdue, I realize that I am alone.  Whether or not I am physically alone is mostly irrelevant.  The fact is that I feel alone almost all the time - and have done for at least the last 24 years.  I have never felt that I fit in, that I am understood.  It has been proven time and again that I don't fit in, that I am not understood, that I just don't think like the masses.  And while independent thinking is, perhaps, a good trait to have, the result for me is that I feel very alone.

I'm sure there are a few people who would be surprised to hear this, for I have many friends.  I have 245 "friends" on Facebook and countless real life "friends" all over the world.  I am very close to some of these people and I can pour my heart out to them if I wish to (and sometimes I do).  But in the end, when the conversation is over, I go back to being alone.  It's a feeling I can never seem to shake, no matter how hard I try.

And I do try.  I don't like being alone or feeling alone and I don't think I should feel alone. Quite honestly, I'm tired of feeling this way.  I am married, I have a family, I go to school, I have an active social life and seem to have plenty of people around me often enough.  All of that should mean something; stand for something; provide me with something.  Sometimes it does, but never for long enough.  And sometimes I am successful at ignoring the loneliness, but never for long enough.

Sparkle and Shine

I started writing a post a couple of weeks ago but never got it finished.  In fact, I don't think I even finished the first sentence (although I was much further along in my head).  The post was in response to a surprise phone call I got from a dear old frined.  This friend and I don't speak often and luckily that hasn't ever managed to diminish our friendship.  Because we hadn't talked in so long, we had a lot of catching up to do.  As I went about filling him in on various developments in my life over the past few months (year?) he commented that I have my sparkle back.  Not only did I love the way he worded his observation, but it was yet another confirmation that I have chosen the right path.

Unfortunately, the tide turned soon after that conversation and a number of factors in my personal life had me starting on a(nother) downward spiral into depression.  Luckily that only lasted a couple of days before I was able to pull myself back up.  I'm sure school played a roll in that as well, as it shifted my focus to anatomy, rather than the world at large that I was sure was conspiring against me.

This weekend I had a 16-hour seminar in Polarity, which is a form of energy work/healing.  In the course of the day on Sunday, we did some work that touched upon some areas that I obviously still need to work on.  I still have a lot of emotional and spiritual work to do and there are still some deeply covered wounds that need to be healed.

So while I may have had my sparkle back a couple of weeks ago, I think it has dimmed to a shimmer.  But knowing I was sparkly for even a short while gives me hope that I may someday figure out how to make my sparkle stick around.