I spent a few days with my family over Christmas this year: 2 with my parents and 2 with my sister and her family. The last day with my parents was very stressful. It was Christmas day and we were all there for dinner and, as I've reported before, my mother freaks out and oozes stress and anxiety, which then causes my father to become annoyed and by dessert the whole affair is less than festive. I am getting used to this new family dynamic even though it's not an ideal way to spend time together. However, it was what happened later that evening that really sent me spinning and made the pathology of so many of my behaviours so much clearer.
My mother & I crossed paths on the stairs and some sort of conversation ensued. To be honest, I have no idea now what I was saying. It probably wasn't important but the fact was that I was talking and relating something to my mother. In the middle of whatever it was I was saying, she interrupted to tell me that she had a weird twinge in her nose. She then went on to say that she had no idea where she might have picked up a bug, could be anywhere, blah, blah, blah. I literally stared at her with my mouth open. Firstly, because she interrupted me. Secondly, because her remarks were a complete non-sequitur to the conversation. She asked me why I was looking at her that way & all I could say was that it didn't make sense. This was the second time that night she'd been accused of non-linear conversation so she got upset and our conversation ended abruptly. At that point, I cared very little that this might reflect her memory issues and the inability to follow conversation. All I cared about was that she had completely interrupted me - without even noticing. What's more is that I realized that she has been doing this my entire life.
Is it any wonder, then, that I have always felt like what I have to say isn't important and that nobody really wants to listen to me? Is it any wonder that I have such a hard time talking to people? I now realize it should come as no surprise at all, given that my own mother habitually disregarded me and what I was saying.
To make matters worse, I married a man who does the same thing. Not just to me, but to the children as well. I am strong enough to point out when he interrupts the children with a completely irrelevant thought but I rarely speak up for myself, possibly because I am just so used to being interrupted and/or ignored.
I'm not sure if anything will change now that I'm aware of this. Maybe I'll be more conscious when it happens and be strong enough to continue on with what I have to say. Even if I don't, I at least feel like I've won half the battle by recognizing why I feel the way that I do. At the very least I hope to be able to forge relationships with people who care about what I have to say.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Darkness
It's been quite a while since I felt this way: sad, hopeless, lost. I've been wondering most of the night what the point is to this meaningless & futile existence I lead. I try so hard. I'm a relatively good person. I don't want much. I don't understand why everything is so damn hard. My life is completely fucked up and I am trapped in it. I keep trying to get out but nothing works. The changes are too small and too far apart to leave any sustainable feeling of improvement.
As long as I live in my bubble and go about my daily activities, I can pretend that everything is ok. But it just takes one little thing to remind me that I'm in that protective bubble and why.
Maybe one day I'll get out but at this rate I don't know what will be left of me when I do.
As long as I live in my bubble and go about my daily activities, I can pretend that everything is ok. But it just takes one little thing to remind me that I'm in that protective bubble and why.
Maybe one day I'll get out but at this rate I don't know what will be left of me when I do.
Monday, 12 November 2012
I'm Moving but I'm Not Going Anywhere
It's been a very busy couple of weeks. Busy and driving all over Creation -- yet I feel like I am back to being completely stuck again. Maybe it has something to do with the changing seasons and the fact that I've been in my new place for 3 months now and I feel like I've made no progress at all: I still don't have a job. I still don't have a practice/business set up. I am still completely dependent. Yes, I've been trying and yes, I've taken a few steps toward getting where I need to be but I'm not getting anywhere and it's just so frustrating!
I also frustrate myself because I can't seem to ever think of the things I should be doing until late at night. I am such a night owl that my brain really doesn't seem to function at all during the day. It's probably also years of bad habits: I'm so used to doing nothing that it's hard to stop doing that and find things to do (even when there are plenty of things to do). I get so mad at myself for wasting so much time, yet I can't seem to change my ways. I know it takes time but I'm just so impatient.
Which is why I feel so stuck -- because I'm impatient. I want a better, happier, more fulfilling life and I want it NOW, damn it!
I wonder if some of my impatience is also partly based on fear that maybe I don't have time to wait. What if something happens between now and then? I know big changes should happen slowly but what if it takes so long that I never get there? (These would be the thoughts caused by being confronted with Stupid Cancer all the time.)
I think one of my problems is that when I get frustrated on my journey, I tend to stop instead of working harder/pushing onwards. I do end up continuing on eventually but it takes me a while to regroup. And maybe that's ok. Maybe it's just my lack of self-esteem that makes me think that's the wrong approach. Maybe I've just been told too many times that I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that I feel inadequate when I take it slowly. But maybe it really is ok to just do things my way -- as long as I get there in the end.
I also frustrate myself because I can't seem to ever think of the things I should be doing until late at night. I am such a night owl that my brain really doesn't seem to function at all during the day. It's probably also years of bad habits: I'm so used to doing nothing that it's hard to stop doing that and find things to do (even when there are plenty of things to do). I get so mad at myself for wasting so much time, yet I can't seem to change my ways. I know it takes time but I'm just so impatient.
Which is why I feel so stuck -- because I'm impatient. I want a better, happier, more fulfilling life and I want it NOW, damn it!
I wonder if some of my impatience is also partly based on fear that maybe I don't have time to wait. What if something happens between now and then? I know big changes should happen slowly but what if it takes so long that I never get there? (These would be the thoughts caused by being confronted with Stupid Cancer all the time.)
I think one of my problems is that when I get frustrated on my journey, I tend to stop instead of working harder/pushing onwards. I do end up continuing on eventually but it takes me a while to regroup. And maybe that's ok. Maybe it's just my lack of self-esteem that makes me think that's the wrong approach. Maybe I've just been told too many times that I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I'm too used to having too many expectations and too much pressure put upon me to achieve things that I feel inadequate when I take it slowly. But maybe it really is ok to just do things my way -- as long as I get there in the end.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
Stupid Cancer, Part 10
My cousin passed away on Saturday after a long battle with cancer. She was 54 and left behind her son, his wife and their two beautiful daughters (aged 3 & 6 or so); her boyfriend; her parents; her brother, his wife and their two daughters; countless friends and relatives. Her father (my uncle) recently turned 86 and pointed out that it's not right that he's still here and she's not.
I'm still waiting to hear about funeral arrangements, which are being made jointly by her boyfriend & her family, which I think is awesome. The boyfriend has been around for years and I wouldn't expect anything other from my family than that he would be included but I do know that's not always the case in situations like this. Hell, even when my father-in-law died, his brothers and sisters were upset that his wife of 30-odd years made the arrangements and not them. You just never know.
I'm getting together with another cousin tonight, who lives close by. His parents are in town visiting so they invited us over for dinner and a visit. It will be great to see them -- it's been years since I've seen my aunt & uncle, who are in their 80's and not well. With any luck, they'll have some information about the funeral.
These relatives are on my mother's side of the family. As I've likely mentioned before, my mother is not good at communicating. This is why I still don't even know what kind of cancer my cousin had, other than it was either stomach or pancreas (or something like that). Because even though my mother talks to her sister, she won't ask questions. She would ask how my cousin is and get the answer, "about the same" but even though my mother had no idea what that meant, she wouldn't ask. It's so frustrating. Yes, I probably could have taken it upon myself to find out and ask my own questions but unfortunately my family doesn't work that way: direct communication is frowned upon. It's no wonder I am so bad at it.
I honestly can't say I am overly sad about losing my cousin. We were never close: she was 14 years older than me and always lived far away. However, she was always very sweet to me and always made a point of talking to me at family gatherings. Mostly I am sad for her immediate family, especially her son. They will miss her tremendously. I am also angry that this stupid disease has taken someone else before they should have gone. My cousin was young and good and a nurse -- the kind of person who should have been around a lot longer than she was. I am also afraid that this stupid disease will get the better of my father and/or my sister at some point and I will have to watch their slow, painful wasting away and inevitable death. We've been pretty lucky that everything has been going so well for this long but I know the tide can turn at any time and I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.
I'm still waiting to hear about funeral arrangements, which are being made jointly by her boyfriend & her family, which I think is awesome. The boyfriend has been around for years and I wouldn't expect anything other from my family than that he would be included but I do know that's not always the case in situations like this. Hell, even when my father-in-law died, his brothers and sisters were upset that his wife of 30-odd years made the arrangements and not them. You just never know.
I'm getting together with another cousin tonight, who lives close by. His parents are in town visiting so they invited us over for dinner and a visit. It will be great to see them -- it's been years since I've seen my aunt & uncle, who are in their 80's and not well. With any luck, they'll have some information about the funeral.
These relatives are on my mother's side of the family. As I've likely mentioned before, my mother is not good at communicating. This is why I still don't even know what kind of cancer my cousin had, other than it was either stomach or pancreas (or something like that). Because even though my mother talks to her sister, she won't ask questions. She would ask how my cousin is and get the answer, "about the same" but even though my mother had no idea what that meant, she wouldn't ask. It's so frustrating. Yes, I probably could have taken it upon myself to find out and ask my own questions but unfortunately my family doesn't work that way: direct communication is frowned upon. It's no wonder I am so bad at it.
I honestly can't say I am overly sad about losing my cousin. We were never close: she was 14 years older than me and always lived far away. However, she was always very sweet to me and always made a point of talking to me at family gatherings. Mostly I am sad for her immediate family, especially her son. They will miss her tremendously. I am also angry that this stupid disease has taken someone else before they should have gone. My cousin was young and good and a nurse -- the kind of person who should have been around a lot longer than she was. I am also afraid that this stupid disease will get the better of my father and/or my sister at some point and I will have to watch their slow, painful wasting away and inevitable death. We've been pretty lucky that everything has been going so well for this long but I know the tide can turn at any time and I'm afraid of what will happen when it does.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Stupid Cancer, Part 9
Everything is going relatively well in the cancer world. We seem to have reached a little bit of a plateau where things seem to be going smoothly.
My sister is done with her radiation treatments. She had no side effects, other than those caused the inconvenience of having to drive an hour into the city every day. She has a CT scan scheduled to follow up and see what the results of the treatment are but not for another 6 weeks. In the meantime we wait.
My dad opted against radiation treatment. It turns out it wouldn't offer too many benefits and the risks were too high. He's still continuing with his chemo and they'll add a few more rounds of that instead of the radiation so he still has another few months to go before he's done.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousin has also been battling cancer (stomach? pancreas?) for the past couple of years. We're not close but she's still family. Anyways, she's been going downhill lately - in and out of the hospital and such. Apparently she's back in and will very likely stay. I'm not sure if she's in the hospital or hospice but either way, it's not good. Her son is 4 years younger than me and he is married with two beautiful young daughters. It makes me very, very sad to imagine what they must be going through.
Yesterday I went to a cancer support centre here in town. It came highly recommended so I thought I should check it out. It's for patients and their caregivers, friends, families, etc. - basically anyone who has been touched by this stupid disease. They run a bunch of programs, all for free, and it's all voluntary. They also just have people there you can talk to who have been through it themselves and who understand. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for or what I'm hoping to get out of going there. Maybe some new coping skills. Maybe a place where I can let down my guard a little bit and where I don't have to be so strong. I'm going to start with a meditation class/group and see how that goes. They also offer yoga, tai chi, qi gong and art therapy as well as reiki and therapeutic touch sessions. I signed up for a reiki treatment but couldn't get an appointment for a month as there are only 2 practitioners for a couple of hours each week. I'm thinking I should volunteer my services, which seem to be needed. I'll at least talk to them the next time I'm there. Maybe that would be the thing I'm looking for: being able to do *something* to help...
My sister is done with her radiation treatments. She had no side effects, other than those caused the inconvenience of having to drive an hour into the city every day. She has a CT scan scheduled to follow up and see what the results of the treatment are but not for another 6 weeks. In the meantime we wait.
My dad opted against radiation treatment. It turns out it wouldn't offer too many benefits and the risks were too high. He's still continuing with his chemo and they'll add a few more rounds of that instead of the radiation so he still has another few months to go before he's done.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my cousin has also been battling cancer (stomach? pancreas?) for the past couple of years. We're not close but she's still family. Anyways, she's been going downhill lately - in and out of the hospital and such. Apparently she's back in and will very likely stay. I'm not sure if she's in the hospital or hospice but either way, it's not good. Her son is 4 years younger than me and he is married with two beautiful young daughters. It makes me very, very sad to imagine what they must be going through.
Yesterday I went to a cancer support centre here in town. It came highly recommended so I thought I should check it out. It's for patients and their caregivers, friends, families, etc. - basically anyone who has been touched by this stupid disease. They run a bunch of programs, all for free, and it's all voluntary. They also just have people there you can talk to who have been through it themselves and who understand. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for or what I'm hoping to get out of going there. Maybe some new coping skills. Maybe a place where I can let down my guard a little bit and where I don't have to be so strong. I'm going to start with a meditation class/group and see how that goes. They also offer yoga, tai chi, qi gong and art therapy as well as reiki and therapeutic touch sessions. I signed up for a reiki treatment but couldn't get an appointment for a month as there are only 2 practitioners for a couple of hours each week. I'm thinking I should volunteer my services, which seem to be needed. I'll at least talk to them the next time I'm there. Maybe that would be the thing I'm looking for: being able to do *something* to help...
Monday, 15 October 2012
Git Er Dun
I have been remarkably productive for the past few days. By this I mean that I have been as productive as a normally functioning person (and as productive as I remember myself being at other, better, times in my life). I'm really tired, but I feel very good about everything I've managed to do in the past week, all things considered.
Earlier in the week I started doing some research into how to set up my own reiki and massage business in Ontario. This involved trying to figure out if my qualifications are valid here as well as trying to find out about any required licensing, insurance, associations, etc. In the course of my investigations I came across the website of a local woman who has her own reiki practice. I felt I should try to contact her so I sent her an email explaining that I had just moved back to Canada and wondered if she would be willing to shed some light on the requirements, etc of starting a practice here. She replied right away by email, we spoke on the phone and we are to get together tomorrow so she can share her own experiences with me. I am thrilled that she is so open and helpful and I am looking forward to meeting her. She also hosts reiki practice sessions so I will go to one of those as well. It will be awesome to do some reiki and even better to meet other reiki practitioners.
On Wednesday night I went to a "Home and School" meeting. What I knew as the PTA/PTO in the US is called Home & School here. Whatever. I had no idea what to expect but was hoping for something good. I almost missed the meeting and was a bit late getting there but it didn't matter. It was a smaller group than I expected (about 15 people) but was pleased to see a couple of dads representing. As the meeting progressed, I was - once again - surprised at how laid back and friendly Canadians are. Everything went smoothly, the agenda was adhered to and business was attended to but with a good sense of humour and joking around that it was an enjoyable experience. I ended up volunteering for a couple of committees, including doing the monthly newsletter. I have done newsletters for other PTO and community organizations in the past so this is nothing new. It's something that I enjoy and it gives me a small sense of purpose and accomplishment and will also keep me connected to the goings-on of the school and to the other members of the association.
Also on Wed, I spent hours trying to figure out our current finances. It's only *mildly* confusing having bank accounts in 3 countries, not to mention getting paid in one, living in another and having to pay bills in yet another country. All this while the husband is currently living in a fourth country. Once I finally got things sorted out, it took us another couple of hours to determine what money should go where and how it should get there. I would so love to simplify things. I am so envious of people who have all their banks, money, bills, insurances, etc. in one country!!
On Friday, I finally did a whole bunch of little things that I had been putting off forever, like going to the police station to get a criminal record check so I can volunteer at school (standard policy here). The down side was that the police station is on the other side of town. The up side was that the police station was on the other side of town so I got to do some exploring and see more of the city. In doing so, I drove by a Hungarian restaurant I likely never would have seen otherwise. I *love* Hungarian food so one of these days I must go try it out. I also spent the evening cleaning my laundry room. I don't think the (painted cement) floor had ever been washed -- it was *so* dirty! I also cleaned out the digustingly dirty old fridge that was here when we moved in. I'm still not sure I'm going to use it. I like the idea of a second fridge/freezer but this one is so old and likely so energy inefficient, it may not be worth it. At least it's clean now, so I can still decide to use it if I so desire.
Saturday I continued with the cleaning and managed to make the main floor of the house look like a house again. In fact, it was so tidy & clean that I invited some friends over for dinner. We had a great time -- and they didn't even mind going in the very untidy & unclean basement to hang out and play Wii. As an added bonus, my friend's boyfriend managed to fix my toilet! He also played my guitar, which hadn't been touched in far too long. I think I shall have to do that myself again soon.
I had a nice sleep in today but still managed to get quite a bit done this afternoon. I finally got the lawn mower going (after figuring out it needed an oil top-up) so cut the grass and raked up 5 bags of leaves from my front yard. There weren't that many leaves in the back (yet) so I just mowed over the ones that were there. I've never lived in a house that had big, deciduous trees in the yard. My last house had giant honey locusts but they have teeny tiny leaves that don't need to be raked. Here we have two maples and the neighbours have another tree that sheds into our yard as well, making for many, many leaves that need to be raked up. Luckily, our yard is quite small but it was more than enough work this afternoon to have me completely tuckered out this evening.
However, as I said, it feels good to be so productive. I'm hoping I can keep this going -- I would so love for this to become my normal. I find it's helpful to make plans/lists the day before and even more helpful to not put too much on them. Even if it's just one thing, it's better than doing nothing (and the guilt and self-loathing that goes along with it). I'm going to take it one day at a time and really try to make this change a permanent one.
Earlier in the week I started doing some research into how to set up my own reiki and massage business in Ontario. This involved trying to figure out if my qualifications are valid here as well as trying to find out about any required licensing, insurance, associations, etc. In the course of my investigations I came across the website of a local woman who has her own reiki practice. I felt I should try to contact her so I sent her an email explaining that I had just moved back to Canada and wondered if she would be willing to shed some light on the requirements, etc of starting a practice here. She replied right away by email, we spoke on the phone and we are to get together tomorrow so she can share her own experiences with me. I am thrilled that she is so open and helpful and I am looking forward to meeting her. She also hosts reiki practice sessions so I will go to one of those as well. It will be awesome to do some reiki and even better to meet other reiki practitioners.
On Wednesday night I went to a "Home and School" meeting. What I knew as the PTA/PTO in the US is called Home & School here. Whatever. I had no idea what to expect but was hoping for something good. I almost missed the meeting and was a bit late getting there but it didn't matter. It was a smaller group than I expected (about 15 people) but was pleased to see a couple of dads representing. As the meeting progressed, I was - once again - surprised at how laid back and friendly Canadians are. Everything went smoothly, the agenda was adhered to and business was attended to but with a good sense of humour and joking around that it was an enjoyable experience. I ended up volunteering for a couple of committees, including doing the monthly newsletter. I have done newsletters for other PTO and community organizations in the past so this is nothing new. It's something that I enjoy and it gives me a small sense of purpose and accomplishment and will also keep me connected to the goings-on of the school and to the other members of the association.
Also on Wed, I spent hours trying to figure out our current finances. It's only *mildly* confusing having bank accounts in 3 countries, not to mention getting paid in one, living in another and having to pay bills in yet another country. All this while the husband is currently living in a fourth country. Once I finally got things sorted out, it took us another couple of hours to determine what money should go where and how it should get there. I would so love to simplify things. I am so envious of people who have all their banks, money, bills, insurances, etc. in one country!!
On Friday, I finally did a whole bunch of little things that I had been putting off forever, like going to the police station to get a criminal record check so I can volunteer at school (standard policy here). The down side was that the police station is on the other side of town. The up side was that the police station was on the other side of town so I got to do some exploring and see more of the city. In doing so, I drove by a Hungarian restaurant I likely never would have seen otherwise. I *love* Hungarian food so one of these days I must go try it out. I also spent the evening cleaning my laundry room. I don't think the (painted cement) floor had ever been washed -- it was *so* dirty! I also cleaned out the digustingly dirty old fridge that was here when we moved in. I'm still not sure I'm going to use it. I like the idea of a second fridge/freezer but this one is so old and likely so energy inefficient, it may not be worth it. At least it's clean now, so I can still decide to use it if I so desire.
Saturday I continued with the cleaning and managed to make the main floor of the house look like a house again. In fact, it was so tidy & clean that I invited some friends over for dinner. We had a great time -- and they didn't even mind going in the very untidy & unclean basement to hang out and play Wii. As an added bonus, my friend's boyfriend managed to fix my toilet! He also played my guitar, which hadn't been touched in far too long. I think I shall have to do that myself again soon.
I had a nice sleep in today but still managed to get quite a bit done this afternoon. I finally got the lawn mower going (after figuring out it needed an oil top-up) so cut the grass and raked up 5 bags of leaves from my front yard. There weren't that many leaves in the back (yet) so I just mowed over the ones that were there. I've never lived in a house that had big, deciduous trees in the yard. My last house had giant honey locusts but they have teeny tiny leaves that don't need to be raked. Here we have two maples and the neighbours have another tree that sheds into our yard as well, making for many, many leaves that need to be raked up. Luckily, our yard is quite small but it was more than enough work this afternoon to have me completely tuckered out this evening.
However, as I said, it feels good to be so productive. I'm hoping I can keep this going -- I would so love for this to become my normal. I find it's helpful to make plans/lists the day before and even more helpful to not put too much on them. Even if it's just one thing, it's better than doing nothing (and the guilt and self-loathing that goes along with it). I'm going to take it one day at a time and really try to make this change a permanent one.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Stupid Cancer, Part 8
Firstly, let me say that despite the title of this post being "Stupid Cancer", for once, I have good news in the cancer department. However, since most of my previous cancer-related posts have borne the same title, I thought I'd stick with it, in case anyone is following...
So, good news! Finally!! And on both fronts!!!
My father was told by his oncologist last week that he is responding so well to the chemo that they will very likely skip the radiation portion of his treatment. That will be confirmed today by the radiologist but hopefully he'll agree. The radiation was to last 5 weeks, so skipping that presumably means 5 weeks less treatment time and 5 weeks closer to getting the colostomy reversal surgery & getting rid of the damned colostomy bag! Not only is the bag annoying and inconvenient but there is now redness, burning and irritation at the attachment site. Hopefully they'll be able to figure out why and get that fixed soon, but getting it removed altogether will be that much more welcome.
My sister also met with her oncologist last week and was told that her chemo had done a fabulous job of getting rid of almost all the cancer spots they'd been watching. There are still a couple that have not disappeared completely (we're not sure what the plan is for those), and, of course, the new ones that are currently being treated with radiation but the fact that so much of the other cancer is gone is wonderful news!
In other, wonderful, news - I had more proof last night that I really am moving toward a better, healthier emotional state and, perhaps, even a higher state of self-worth and self-confidence. Here's what happened: I entered into a debate. For real! I was talking to my oldest, dearest friend on the phone and somehow the chit-chat about how the kids don't have any homework led into a discussion about whether teachers get paid enough for what they do. My friend & I were, obviously, of differing opinions and when he stated his, I countered with mine. We went back and forth for a while and didn't get anywhere and soon decided we shouldn't spend what little time we had left (on a long-distance call) discussing teacher salaries. But, the fact remains that I debated. One could possibly say I argued even (mild as it was). Even at the time, part of my brain was freaking out & doing a little happy dance, saying, "Hey, are you noticing what you're doing here?!" It helps that I was talking to someone with whom I feel very safe, but even that wouldn't have been enough in the past to get me to say anything. It was also easier because the topic was not one that was overly personal to either of us. But it was a start, and a good one at that. And, yes, I am just a wee bit proud of myself.
So, good news! Finally!! And on both fronts!!!
My father was told by his oncologist last week that he is responding so well to the chemo that they will very likely skip the radiation portion of his treatment. That will be confirmed today by the radiologist but hopefully he'll agree. The radiation was to last 5 weeks, so skipping that presumably means 5 weeks less treatment time and 5 weeks closer to getting the colostomy reversal surgery & getting rid of the damned colostomy bag! Not only is the bag annoying and inconvenient but there is now redness, burning and irritation at the attachment site. Hopefully they'll be able to figure out why and get that fixed soon, but getting it removed altogether will be that much more welcome.
My sister also met with her oncologist last week and was told that her chemo had done a fabulous job of getting rid of almost all the cancer spots they'd been watching. There are still a couple that have not disappeared completely (we're not sure what the plan is for those), and, of course, the new ones that are currently being treated with radiation but the fact that so much of the other cancer is gone is wonderful news!
In other, wonderful, news - I had more proof last night that I really am moving toward a better, healthier emotional state and, perhaps, even a higher state of self-worth and self-confidence. Here's what happened: I entered into a debate. For real! I was talking to my oldest, dearest friend on the phone and somehow the chit-chat about how the kids don't have any homework led into a discussion about whether teachers get paid enough for what they do. My friend & I were, obviously, of differing opinions and when he stated his, I countered with mine. We went back and forth for a while and didn't get anywhere and soon decided we shouldn't spend what little time we had left (on a long-distance call) discussing teacher salaries. But, the fact remains that I debated. One could possibly say I argued even (mild as it was). Even at the time, part of my brain was freaking out & doing a little happy dance, saying, "Hey, are you noticing what you're doing here?!" It helps that I was talking to someone with whom I feel very safe, but even that wouldn't have been enough in the past to get me to say anything. It was also easier because the topic was not one that was overly personal to either of us. But it was a start, and a good one at that. And, yes, I am just a wee bit proud of myself.
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Last night I got inspired to so some more unpacking and ended up working on my reiki (& massage) room. It didn't take very long and soon enough I had my space all set up, except for a few things that need to get hung on the walls. It looks great and I am happy to have my little space established.
Unfortunately, it reminded me how much I miss my practice and how much I miss doing reiki. I even miss giving massages to a certain, albeit lesser, extent.
On the weekend, when we were visiting in Michigan, I was able to pop by a Reiki 1 class and help with attunements. That, combined with my now useable space, has me aching to be able to do reiki again. So much so, that today part of me has been saying, "Screw looking for a real job, just start a new reiki practice!" If only it were that simple!!
But perhaps this is what I need to get me motivated to seek out other, like-minded individuals. I checked out a couple of places in my neighbourhood last week but didn't find much. Since then I've done some research and I have a few more places to investigate. Wish me luck that I find what I'm looking for...
Unfortunately, it reminded me how much I miss my practice and how much I miss doing reiki. I even miss giving massages to a certain, albeit lesser, extent.
On the weekend, when we were visiting in Michigan, I was able to pop by a Reiki 1 class and help with attunements. That, combined with my now useable space, has me aching to be able to do reiki again. So much so, that today part of me has been saying, "Screw looking for a real job, just start a new reiki practice!" If only it were that simple!!
But perhaps this is what I need to get me motivated to seek out other, like-minded individuals. I checked out a couple of places in my neighbourhood last week but didn't find much. Since then I've done some research and I have a few more places to investigate. Wish me luck that I find what I'm looking for...
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Stupid Cancer, Part 7
If there's one thing I've learned about cancer, it's that it's unpredictable. You never know who it's going to hit, or how and you certainly never know how their treatment will go or how the cancer will react to said treatment. It's a crap shoot.
The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had. Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation. It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else. It is so incredibly frustrating!
My father is still doing well. He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender. He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far. Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.
I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all. This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.
While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now. For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half. I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see. Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead. Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together. I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.
Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise. I am bored and lonely. The job search has still not produced a job. I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way. I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.
I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people. I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome. I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how. But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.
I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to. Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers. I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women. I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting. You never know...
So, in a nutshell, things could be better. But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do. I just hope my strength holds up.
The newest development is that the 9 rounds of chemo my sister had did its job to minimize the cancer that the doctors knew she had. Unfortunately, even though that all went well, she somehow developed a couple of new tumours in a new place and will now begin 8 rounds of radiation. It seems as soon as they get the cancer under control in one area, it pops up somewhere else. It is so incredibly frustrating!
My father is still doing well. He has recovered well enough from his surgery that he has regained his appetite, although the site of the colostomy bag is still tender. He's had a few rounds of chemo, which he's tolerating quite well so far. Fingers crossed that fatigue will be the worst of his symptoms.
I'm not really sure where all this has left me. The newest development in my sister's health is definitely not good news but I've had so much it, I think I'm almost becoming numb to it all. This particular diagnosis was almost expected (by me, based on a few symptoms I'd observed the last time I'd visited) but it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. Nor does it change the fact that this will likely not be the last piece of bad news I will receive, be it about her or my father. It will probably get worse before it gets better. Or maybe it'll just continue to get worse.
While all of us try to continue our lives as normally as we can, sometimes it hits me more than others that my family is not in a normal situation right now. For example, Thanksgiving is coming up in a week and a half. I would like nothing more than to host my family at my house because a) I'm the one most able to handle the stress of preparing a big meal and b) I have room for everyone and c) I have a new house I'd like them all to see. Unfortunately, my father and my sister will not be in any shape to travel (Dad especially) so we'll be visiting them instead. Which is ok and I am happy that we'll be able to get together. I'll just have to wait and hope that someday (Christmas? Easter?) I'll be able to have everyone gather in my home.
Otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on, as much as I wish otherwise. I am bored and lonely. The job search has still not produced a job. I have decided that if nothing has come up in the next couple of weeks, I'll contact a temp agency and see if I can at least get some work that way. I'm not exactly sure how to amp up my social life, but I'll continue to look.
I've realized that I really, really miss being surrounded by my reiki & holistic health people. I had a visit from my chiropractor friend last week and stopped by a reiki class to help with attunements when we were in Michigan on the weekend and it was awesome. I need to find some kindred spirits here -- I'm just not sure where or how. But I will work on it and, with any luck, something will come of it.
I did, at least, meet a few people last night at a book club my bestie took me to. Unfortunately, most of the women there are lawyers and social workers. I'm not going to turn down trying to get to know them, but I don't foresee that I have a lot in common with most of these women. I did pick up some good energy off a couple of them, tho, so I will try to get to know them better at the next meeting. You never know...
So, in a nutshell, things could be better. But I'm not drowning and I'm trying to make things better as best I can, which is all I can do. I just hope my strength holds up.
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