Changing Expectations

Our friend, Steve,  has written a book on marriage.  He's a clinical psychologist, has been married 14 years and is well-versed on the theme.  The book won't be released until next year sometime but last night we got a sneak peek at a presentation he gave.  The book is entitled, "The 6 Husbands Every Woman Should Have".

The basic message is that people need to change throughout the course of their marriages and their lives in order to stay happily married.  You have to adapt to the changes life throws at you and, even more key, you have to do that together.  The checklist you have outlining the perfect partner when you are young and single ultimately changes as your life together does, as you travel through various stages in life.  (There are 6, hence the title of the book).  At each stage, life demands certain things of you and, in relation, your partner demands certain things of you.  If you fail to change and measure up to these constantly changing needs, it spells disaster for your marriage.  Likewise if you change, but not in the same manner as your partner or if only one partner changes.

Needless to say, all this gave me lots to ponder about my own marriage, the conclusion ultimately being that of course, Steve is right and what he describes is exactly what has caused the disenchantment in my own marriage.  My husband feels that I have not grown and changed enough over the years, that I am still too much like the young version of me he married.  I'm not as mature as he feels I should be.  I am not meeting his new list of expectations for this stage of life.  On the other hand, I feel that he has changed greatly.  He is very different from the man I married but, sadly, his changes do not line up with my expectations either.  The result is that we have literally grown apart.

Steve also made two other comments that I found very pertinent.  One is that you can tell what age an addict started using because they stop growing & changing and remain that age (until they stop using).  The other is that when the children are small, you have to be sure you don't lose yourself while trying to manage the chaos.  So I'm thinking that, like an addict (the children being my drug) you can probably tell that I haven't changed much since the age of 27 because I got completely lost in the role of mother/chaos manager.  It took me 10 years to figure that out, but now that I have and now that I seem to be making some headway into finding out who I am again, I hope to be able to grow a bit and change a bit, and with any luck it will be in the right direction.

On the bright side my husband and I still like each other so there is hope for our struggling marriage.  We are trying, with the help of a therapist, to get ourselves and our marriage back on track and slowly, things seem to be improving.  Some days I feel more optimistic than others but I know that only time & effort will make a difference, so I will continue to offer both.