Anger

I got angry today.  My therapist would be pleased.  I'm surprised.  I am not familiar with anger.  Yes, I get angry with my children every now and then but that is generally frustration that gets expressed as anger.  This was a different anger and anger is certainly not what I do.  More often than not, when things do not go right, when my expectations are not met, when I find things out of reach or beyond my control I get sad.  Sadness is what I do (althought lately, it's been despair).

The other day there was an incident at home with our exchange student which really made me hit rock bottom.  The only way to protect myself and my emotional well-being was to conciously decide not to care anymore.   So I decided I no longer cared what he thought of me.

And let me tell you: it is SO much easier to be angry with someone and tell them exactly what you think when you don't care what they think of you.  I had nothing to lose so I could put it all out there   I don't think I've ever don't that before.  I can't say I enjoyed it and I'm still not settled (there are still some issues that need to be discussed) and I am rather burnt out by the whole emotional turmoil of it all, but I have learned something.  Namely, that I care too much about other people.  I care too much about their feelings and about their opinions of me.  I am a being too social for my own good.

Obviously I can't go around not caring about everyone but I can see that anger is not such a bad thing when it allows me to open up and say what I think.  I guess balance is the key.  I don't want to be angry all the time but maybe it's better than being sad all the time.  I don't know what to make of all of this but I'm learning.  It's exhausting and unsettling to experience all these new feelings but with any luck I'll come out of it a more well-balanced person who can get angry at people that I like and care about.