Encouragement

I got a lovely phone call this afternoon.  It was from a chiropractor.  I applied to work for this particular chiropractor the other day.  The job is in the town I'm moving to so I'm not quite ready to start just yet but I've been applying for jobs more for practice than anything else.  There wasn't much of a description of the job in this posting but I decided to apply anyways -- and got a call back!  The chiropractor said she found my resume, my energy work background and all my travelling interesting.  Unfortunately, she's interviewing tomorrow for someone to start on Monday, which is sadly just impossible for me.  However, she did mention that there's a possibility of another position opening up (another employee of hers is waiting to hear if her husband is getting transferred) so she'd like to keep me in mind if she needs someone later on.  I also mentioned that I'll be in town on Monday so we may meet up then for a quick chat.  We shall see.

The nice part is simply that someone was interested enough in me and my experience to want to talk to me in person.  It's also given me an idea of what kind of job to look for because if she liked my resume, then perhaps other chiropractors would as well.  So even if this particular job doesn't work out, at least it's given me some encouragement that I'm on the right path and that I will find something that will work out when the time is right.

Stupid Cancer, part 6

I really wish I could just put the rest of my life on hold while I move.  It would be so much easier if I could just focus on one thing at a time.  It's almost too much to even work on closing the house at our destination while trying to purge & pack here, let alone worry about my family and all of their ills and ailments.

On the bright side, for the most part everyone is doing relatively well.  My father is slowly regaining his appetite & recovering from his surgery.  However, he is due to start a chemo & radiation course so we're not sure how he'll react to that.  The worst of it is that he'll have to keep the colostomy bag for an extra 3 months or more since they won't do surgery while he's in treatment.  He also has to do slightly less effective chemo treatment so he doesn't have to have a colostomy bag attached to one side & a chemo pump on the other.  Cancer sucks.

My sister is doing very well.  Her surgery did what it was supposed to do and the chemo is doing what it's supposed to do so all of her cancer is diminishing.  Yay!  *happy dance*  She's taking the summer off work to allow herself to heal and all of it seems to have things going in a positive direction.

My mother still won't admit she has memory issues - at least, no worse than any of her friends.  She went to the doctor to placate my father & I only to be told it was likely due to the stress of my father being ill.  Truth is, she's been much better since he's been ill.  I'll probably have to talk to the doctor myself at some point but right now, that's not a battle I need to face.

My biggest battle right now is with time.  And, I know that writing a blog is not using that time most effectively when I have so much purging and packing left to do, but sometimes a break is required.  I shall return to it shortly.  The purging has continued to be very uplifting -- I will be so happy to move into our new house with much less stuff.  And I will endeavor to accumulate as little as possible and to constantly purge (as I used to) so that I never have to do this again, even if we do end up moving again.

I found this, written by my almost 11-yr-old daughter:

"My Life.
I go around ~ don't know
where I heading to next.  i haven't been In a place long enough
to call It home ~ ...
Somebody help me Somebody help me
where do I go and who should I be ~"

I don't know if it's a poem or a song.  My guess is a song, but either way it absolutely breaks my heart.  Stupid Life!

Busy, Busy, Busy!

It's been a while since I last posted and I fear my posts will be even less regular in the upcoming months.  I have lots to do and, unfortunately, writing is no long at the top of my priority list.  I miss it, but it will have to wait for a while until I get settled again on the other side of the move.

Everything went well with the house purchase & we are now just waiting to be able to close at the end of the month.  Hopefully that will happen on the 31st, as expected, and not be delayed (the house was part of an estate settlement & in probate, so there's a chance it could be held up a bit longer, but hopefully not more than a few days).

Right now we are busy sorting & packing.  Well, mostly sorting & purging.  I'm actually really enjoying getting rid of stuff!  It's amazing how much useless shit we've accumulated.  Also, because we've never moved ourselves before (the company always paid) we were never really cognizant of what exactly we moved.  We tried to sort out most of the junk but we seem to have moved a lot of stuff that we shouldn't have.  We're being much more careful this time around and getting rid of so much stuff that we really shouldn't even still have in the first place.  There will be a moving sale in a couple of weeks and whatever doesn't sell will go to charity.  Once we get through the purging, we can move on to the packing.  It's a big job, but I'm beginning to be able to see it in smaller steps, which is helping me to not get overwhelmed by it all.

Last weekend we fit in a quick getaway to visit my sister & help her celebrate her 20th wedding anniversary.  She & my brother-in-law renewed their vows in the yard in front of a small selection of family & close friends.  It was a really lovely day and nice to see the two of them happy.  Unfortunately, my Dad couldn't be there as his health is still not great, so we weren't able to see him.  We'll probably go visit in a couple of weeks.  We have to leave the country anyways, as per immigration regulations, so we might as well do something useful while we're at it.

I'm also still working every now and then.  I have a few stray clients that I've been seeing but I haven't been looking for any more so it's working out well.  I've also been looking for work in the town we're moving to and have put in a couple of applications but so far with no success.  I'm not too discouraged as I know the right job will appear when I'm ready for it.

So, all in all, I'm doing pretty good and feeling quite optimistic.  I'm busy and being productive and getting much accomplished which is all good for me.

Fast Times

What a crazy week it's been!  I think I can start just about every week lately with that statement.  And I suspect it will remain that way throughout the summer.

I've been running around like mad this week but at least I got quite a lot accomplished -- like buying a house!  After an insane day meeting with all sorts of people, I think everything has been worked out and I can sit back for a couple of weeks until we close the deal at the end of the month.  The whole house-buying process has been interesting and exciting and terrifying all at once.  My husband hasn't involved himself at all so I got to do it all on my own, which has been kind of empowering.  It's good to know that I really can be independent and together and organized and all of that.  I would like it a whole lot better if I didn't have to rely on my parents for financial assistance (because I have no credit in Canada) but that's only temporary.

Come to think of it, the house-buying success has had me in a pretty good mood lately which is nice for a change.  And feeling productive is a nice change too.  Hopefully it will spur me on to more productiveness -- which would be good considering all that needs to be done in the next few weeks!  I have no idea how I'm going to manage it all, but I guess I'll just start somewhere and go from there.  Baby steps.

I also realized today that I am fraught with so many fears about the future.  So much is uncertain and unknown: relationships, career, finances.  It's a scary time without too many reassurances.  I just have to believe that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

Stupid Cancer and Other Things

I probably should have written before now to say that I'm not pissed anymore.  Although I really was and it felt pretty good to recognize it for a change.  I spent all that day hating on the world, my situation and the people that put me here.  But that's ok.  I was angry - for good reason - and I owned it.

In the week since then, I think I've experienced just about every emotion available.  It's been another roller-coaster week and I'm tired and could probably use a drink or two...

I'm starting to get really stressed about moving.  A guy came from a moving company the other day to give me a quote.  As we were wandering around the house, we looked at everything we own that has to be moved -- it's a LOT!  And there's so much that I have to clean out and donate that I don't need to move with us.  And they want a lot of money to move us so we'll probably move ourselves (if we can) which means I'll have to pack everything.  It's so much work and it's such an incredibly daunting task -- it's so overwhelming!

Luckily, one of my best girlfriends came to visit with her little ones to distract me from all my moving stress.  We had a great time hanging out at the beach at our local lake.  And... I even a) went in the water and b) swam out to the raft.  Most of you probably don't know that I have had an extreme fish phobia for the last 22 years.  I am terrified of fish (plus, they're just ugly).  Needless to say, my daughter was pleasantly shocked to see me in the water and I felt pretty good about myself for overcoming my fear.  Aside from the minnows, there were even a couple of bigger fish (about 6 inches long) swimming around in the shallows -- and they didn't even scare me out of the water!

Unfortunately, my visitors only stayed a couple of days and then it was time to jump back in to real life, which I did by taking my daughter house hunting.  It was a long day: 2.5 hour drive there, drive around all day looking at houses, drive 2.5 hours back home.  My daughter was a trooper throughout and it was great to get her opinion.  I wish my son could have been with us as well, but he was away at scout camp and, time being of the essence, we couldn't afford to wait until he got back.  It was a good thing that we didn't wait as we found the perfect little house that would certainly have been sold before we got to see it.  We're putting in an offer today -- so much anticipation!

I also found out this week that the results came back from the cancer tests my dad had when he had his surgery last month and that the results were positive.  It's low-grade cancer so they're going to wait for him to recover from his surgery before they start further treatment.  He'll meet with the oncologist next week to find out exactly what the course of treatment will be.  Stupid cancer!

I realized recently that, very likely, in a few years I will have lost half of my immediate family to this stupid disease, leaving just me and my mother.  Of the four of us, this is pretty much the worst combination of any two people to be left together.  It's going to be an interesting journey...

For the Record...

I am fucking pissed!

Stress & Frustration

It's been crazy busy around here lately and I haven't had a moment to write.  Heck, I haven't even had a long enough moment to sit down to make a to-do list, let alone string together enough sentences to create a blog post!  And, of course, now that I'm sitting here, there is so much to write about that I don't even know where to start!

I haven't been doing very well with applying the mantra.  I especially need to work on the 3rd one...

I'm continuing to see my chiropractic office mate and I really like what she does.  It's always great to have someone work on both physical and emotional issues simultaneously.  I have also been getting a lot of massages lately.  It's time for practical exams at the school I'm apprenticing at.  They can choose any apprentice or instructor to massage for their exam and I seem to be a popular choice.  Some students are doing their exams and others want to practice on me before their practicals.  I'm agreeable to all of it because it's a free 1-hour massage.  Granted, they are student massages so not necessarily great, and I have to pay attention to what they're doing the whole time but it's still better than nothing.  I also had an energy work session last week by my teacher and mentor, which was fantastic.  It's all wonderful, but unfortunately I'm still pretty stressed and frazzled.

Some of it has to do with having had a super busy week.  For some reason, things actually sped up once the children got out of school for the summer and I spent most of last week driving all over creation trying to get us all where we needed to be.  This coming week I've got one kid away at scout camp but we're having overnight guests midweek so this week will likely be fairly busy too -- but hopefully in a way that requires less mileage.

On the bright side, my father & my sister seem to be healing well.  My sister got sent home from the hospital 5 days after her surgery and my father finally got let go 2 weeks after his.  I haven't spoken to anyone for the past week to track their progress (because if I don't call them, I don't get any information) but I'm assuming no news is good news. 

Speaking of doctors (well, sort of) I went to see mine again this week.  She wanted to follow up with me on how the anti-depressant meds are working out (fabulously, thank you) and I told her about my Dad's recent colon cancer diagnosis.  She then informed me that that puts me at high risk for getting it myself and promptly handed me a requisition form for a colonoscopy, which I shall continue to do annually, along with mammograms because I'm also high risk for getting breast cancer.  Stupid cancer!  That said, I do believe that cancer is very much lifestyle related so I hope to avoid getting either of them by living as healthily as I can.  (And no, I'm not really doing that right now but once my life settles down a bit, I plan to get back to exercising and eating well.)

Not that I expect my life to settle down anytime soon.  In fact, I hope things start getting a little busier -- at least in terms of moving.  We found out a month ago that we have to move and NOTHING has happened since then!  We are still waiting to hear if the company is going to move us and we haven't been able to look for a house because my father has been in the hospital (and he's supposed to help us out with the whole house-buying side of things).  Hopefully July will bring some more action on that front.  All this waiting is so very frustrating! 

So, that's it.  A very long post to sum up many of the reasons why I am stressed, frazzled and frustrated.  Thank God my dear friend, R, took me out to a Beer Fest this weekend -- no better way to destress than to drink beer and have a couple of bourbon shots with my best girl.  If I wasn't so busy, I'd try to do that more often...

Mantra

I am entitled to my emotions.
My feelings are not irrational.
Expressing myself is not an inconvenience.

Grrr...

The chiropractor I share an office with and I have begun trading services, which is an awesome perk to doing this kind of work.  I gave her a reiki session a week or so ago and today it was my turn to be on the receiving end of the trade.  I knew she didn't practice traditional chiropractics but I didn't really know what she did -- nor did it matter.  I'm open to all kinds of bodywork and I'm always willing to try new things.  It turns out that she does gentle adjustments mixed with energy work and today she worked on my bones and my emotions.

The result is that it seems she's been able to bring about some pretty big changes.  Structurally, things have been shifting all afternoon and I've been having dizzy spells.  This is annoying but doesn't worry me much and I assume all will be well after a good night's sleep.  Emotionally, all sorts of things have been shifting and I have become very aware, once again, that I have been holding in vast amounts of anger and I haven't the slightest idea what to do with it all.  A friend suggested smashing things and/or screaming and/or playing some kind of video game where I can kill things.  Not bad ideas for blowing off some steam but none of those things will really deal with the anger or the causes of it.  I'm thinking I might start making a list of all the things I'm angry about.  Maybe if it's all more tangible, I'll have some idea what to do with it.  The one thing I don't want to do is bury it all again, because I know that is only a temporary fix and doesn't do anything but make me miserable.  So, please, wish me luck and some courage to deal with my anger properly this time -- or at least try to.

Stupid Cancer, Part 4

It's been a crazy week so forgive me for not writing before now.  I've been stuck in a whirlwind of stress and when I wasn't otherwise occupied, I was sleeping -- which left no time for writing.

Last Sunday I made the 5-hour drive "home" to my parents' house and arrived just in time for what felt like the Last Supper with all the family gathered together.  Well, not really all of us since I was the only representative from my family but my parents, my sister and her family were there so all of us from my original nuclear family were present.

And then it began.  On Monday my father had surgery: a bowel resection to remove a cancerous tumour in his colon.  They took some lymph nodes as well to test for spread, but we won't have those results back until next week.  The surgery went well, although the recovery hasn't been as quick as we could have hoped for.  There have a been a few minor setbacks but so far, nothing too serious.

On Wednesday, my sister had surgery: a pericardial window to drain the fluid that has been building up around her heart as a result of her cancer.  The surgery itself went well, although the doctors decided to keep her sedated and intubated for a day after the surgery.  We weren't allowed to see her after her surgery and my BIL had to work the next day so I was the only one who could visit.  I ended up staying with her for a few hours until they finally took out her breathing tubes.  Until then, the only way she could communicate was by sign language.  She knows much more than I do , but at least I can finger spell so I was able to be her voice until she got her own back again.

From there I drove the hour back to the hospital my father was in to check in on him before I started my long journey back to my own house.  Once I finally sat down in the car, I felt the cold I'd been battling all week finally settling in.

By Friday I was absolutely, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Waiting in hospitals for hours (9 hours for my dad, 5 hours for my sister), trying to be strong when I visited (despite never having seen them look quite so ill/weak/vulnerable) and trying to process the fact that half of my immediate family has varying stages of cancer and not knowing when or how this is all going to end is just really, really draining.

Add to that the fact that my marriage is sort of non-existant so I don't have as much support to come home to as I'd like and the fact that we're moving in 6 weeks and I'd say I have about as much stress as one person should have to handle all at once.

On the bright side, I did manage to have a few beers and visit with some friends while I was "home" -- and at least a couple of them were able to make me laugh.  I also ate a LOT of poutine.  And today was my birthday so I got to go to the DIA again and got taken out for dinner and ice cream so it was a pretty good day.

None of that lessens the overbearing presence of cancer but it does help me get through the days a bit better, which is really all I can ask for.