My husband said something curious to me the other day when we were talking about how I have been changing over the past couple of months.
Obviously, all the efforts I have been making to become a better Me are doing something. I think they are doing positive things. I feel more like the old Me, the Me I was in my early 20's: confident, lively, sexy, fun; someone with things to do and places to go. I am getting better at recognizing my weaknesses and flaws, which is enabling me to tackle them and to improve upon myself in what I hope is a positive manner.
The conversation I had with my husband came about after having discussed something that had upset me. Until recently, I never would have said anything, being the chronic conflict avoider that I am. But the new me brought it up, thus acknowledging my hurt feelings and pointing out to him that said feelings had been hurt. It was a calm, poignant discussion and went very well. My husband then said that he appreciated that I had brought it up and that he finds all these changes in me very positive ones.
And that, as a result, I am now more of a person.
Seriously? Was it that bad? Was I so chronically dependent and unmotivated that I had actually ceased to be a person in my own right? Really?
If that's the case, then it seems this journey is going to be a whole lot longer and more intricate than I thought. It's no longer just about becoming a better Me, but about becoming a whole Me. But no worries, I'm pretty sure I can do it.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Saturday, 5 June 2010
Change is in the Air
This morning when I awoke I still had this sentence floating around in my head. Now, hours later, I think I know why: it's because I am excited about the change. I desperately need it and I didn't know quite how much until now.
I have always been a person who needs change and I have never been content to do the same thing for very long. In the 6-year span of highschool and university, I held at least 6 different part-time jobs. Most of them were in retail, which I enjoyed because there were always different people coming in the store and there was always a bit of unpredictability to the day. When I started teaching ESL, there was still that same sense of surprise - you could plan a lesson, but you never really knew what problems or questions would arise. I also had a different group of students every 6 weeks so while the job itself didn't change, the lessons and the students did.
When I stopped working to become a full-time Mom, my life was such that we moved, on average, every 3 years. The children grew and their needs changed and whenever things started feeling too stagnant, it would be time to move to a new house, new city, or new country.
What I've realized is that while moving changed my surroundings on a semi-regular basis, I was becoming stagnant. Everything around me was changing but I wasn't.
Over the past few months, there has been a lot of thinking and introspection going on, which has led me to begin this exploration of a new self and a new life. This time the changes that are coming are all about me. They are internal changes, not external, and they are enormous in their worth.
I have always been a person who needs change and I have never been content to do the same thing for very long. In the 6-year span of highschool and university, I held at least 6 different part-time jobs. Most of them were in retail, which I enjoyed because there were always different people coming in the store and there was always a bit of unpredictability to the day. When I started teaching ESL, there was still that same sense of surprise - you could plan a lesson, but you never really knew what problems or questions would arise. I also had a different group of students every 6 weeks so while the job itself didn't change, the lessons and the students did.
When I stopped working to become a full-time Mom, my life was such that we moved, on average, every 3 years. The children grew and their needs changed and whenever things started feeling too stagnant, it would be time to move to a new house, new city, or new country.
What I've realized is that while moving changed my surroundings on a semi-regular basis, I was becoming stagnant. Everything around me was changing but I wasn't.
Over the past few months, there has been a lot of thinking and introspection going on, which has led me to begin this exploration of a new self and a new life. This time the changes that are coming are all about me. They are internal changes, not external, and they are enormous in their worth.
Confirmations and Affirmations
I love it when things fall into place. It doesn't happen very often, so when it does, it feels so very good.
Tonight I went to my class. It was phenomenal for many reasons: I learned new things, I took one more step towards healing myself and it was confirmed to me that I am on the right path. What more could I ask for? I am energized and I am so happy, I am shining.
Although the physical cleansing that took place tonight can not be denied its benefits, I think the biggest bringer of my bliss was the confirmation that I am indeed making the right choices. This has actually been confirmed to me three times this week alone, by three different, unrelated people. While it is wonderful to have so much encouragement and support from my friends, tonight's encouragement from my teacher meant so much more.
Change is in the air. And it's about time.
Tonight I went to my class. It was phenomenal for many reasons: I learned new things, I took one more step towards healing myself and it was confirmed to me that I am on the right path. What more could I ask for? I am energized and I am so happy, I am shining.
Although the physical cleansing that took place tonight can not be denied its benefits, I think the biggest bringer of my bliss was the confirmation that I am indeed making the right choices. This has actually been confirmed to me three times this week alone, by three different, unrelated people. While it is wonderful to have so much encouragement and support from my friends, tonight's encouragement from my teacher meant so much more.
Change is in the air. And it's about time.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
I've been having some unusual thoughts lately. While these thoughts have been unusual for me, I acquiesce that they are not that extraordinary for the average person:
I have been thinking of NOT moving.
As I have previously alluded to - or perhaps even talked about outright - I move a lot. In fact, since I left my parents' home (the first time) nearly 16 years ago, I have moved 13 times. I have lived in 5 countries on 3 continents. I have not lived in the same town for more than 3 1/2 years. Moving, for me and my family, is constant. It's what we do.
For the most part, I like it. I love the adventure of discovering a new place and I love being able to meet new people. However, there have been some drawbacks to this lifestyle. First and foremost, there is the beurocracy: the visas and permits that are required to live in a foreign country, which have meant that, for as long as we've been doing this, I have been entirely dependent upon my husband to provide for our family. This is because a) his company provides us with the necessary paperwork and b) I am generally not allowed to work. Also, I have found it very difficult to allow myself to start anything, knowing that I will not be able to finish it before we find ourselves packing again.
But lately, as a result of my yearning for more independence and my undertaking new projects for myself (classes, etc) I have found myself toying with the incredible thought of actually NOT moving. I think I might like to stay in one spot for at least a few more years. I'd like to be able to get back on my feet and see where this path is leading me. It's a bit of a scary thought, this wish to be immobile; this wish for something like stability. But I kind of like the idea of giving myself some time to see where I'm going.
Maybe the trick is that in order to let myself go, I needn't really go anywhere at all.
I have been thinking of NOT moving.
As I have previously alluded to - or perhaps even talked about outright - I move a lot. In fact, since I left my parents' home (the first time) nearly 16 years ago, I have moved 13 times. I have lived in 5 countries on 3 continents. I have not lived in the same town for more than 3 1/2 years. Moving, for me and my family, is constant. It's what we do.
For the most part, I like it. I love the adventure of discovering a new place and I love being able to meet new people. However, there have been some drawbacks to this lifestyle. First and foremost, there is the beurocracy: the visas and permits that are required to live in a foreign country, which have meant that, for as long as we've been doing this, I have been entirely dependent upon my husband to provide for our family. This is because a) his company provides us with the necessary paperwork and b) I am generally not allowed to work. Also, I have found it very difficult to allow myself to start anything, knowing that I will not be able to finish it before we find ourselves packing again.
But lately, as a result of my yearning for more independence and my undertaking new projects for myself (classes, etc) I have found myself toying with the incredible thought of actually NOT moving. I think I might like to stay in one spot for at least a few more years. I'd like to be able to get back on my feet and see where this path is leading me. It's a bit of a scary thought, this wish to be immobile; this wish for something like stability. But I kind of like the idea of giving myself some time to see where I'm going.
Maybe the trick is that in order to let myself go, I needn't really go anywhere at all.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Meditations on Love
I went to class tonight and was told we would be meditating. Excellent! We would be meditating on love. Excellent again! We settled in and listened to the teacher for a while before we moved on to the meditation part of the class. I was expecting to be overwhelmed with goodness and warm waves of love -- but life has a funny way of giving you what you least expect.
We did 3 different meditations and each was progressively more difficult for me than the previous one. Each was also rather more disturbing than the last so instead of leaving tonight's class imbued with warm fuzzies and my usual state of calm contentedness, I was a complete and utter mess.
I know this experience will prove to be beneficial for me. We can not heal until we know where our wounds are. However, it seems I have more than I reckoned and they run deep.
Luckily, I have people who can guide me and help me. With them by my side, I hope that one day I will be able to meditate on love with a happy heart.
We did 3 different meditations and each was progressively more difficult for me than the previous one. Each was also rather more disturbing than the last so instead of leaving tonight's class imbued with warm fuzzies and my usual state of calm contentedness, I was a complete and utter mess.
I know this experience will prove to be beneficial for me. We can not heal until we know where our wounds are. However, it seems I have more than I reckoned and they run deep.
Luckily, I have people who can guide me and help me. With them by my side, I hope that one day I will be able to meditate on love with a happy heart.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Decisions
Decision making has always been difficult for me. If the decision is not blatantly obvious I find it extremely challenging to make up my mind. I make lists of pros and cons, weigh all my options and deliberate but still find it so very hard to actually come to a decision -- and harder still to then act upon said decision.
I wonder if this is related to me avoiding conflict and risk. Or maybe it has to do with an inability to commit.
Most of the time I am able to get by. Oftentimes I leave the decision making up to others, but I'm beginning to think that this is perhaps not the best way to do things. I have become very good at letting life happen to me. While this has turned out fairly well, I think perhaps I would like to start taking a more active role in the process, which would necessitate learning how to make decisions and then, of course, following through on them.
Practice makes progress, they say, and as I am currently debating a few topics with myself, I will no doubt be able to excercise my decision-making ability fairly frequently in the near future. The trouble is that when I actually start making decisions for myself, there will be no one but myself to blame for how things turn out...
I wonder if this is related to me avoiding conflict and risk. Or maybe it has to do with an inability to commit.
Most of the time I am able to get by. Oftentimes I leave the decision making up to others, but I'm beginning to think that this is perhaps not the best way to do things. I have become very good at letting life happen to me. While this has turned out fairly well, I think perhaps I would like to start taking a more active role in the process, which would necessitate learning how to make decisions and then, of course, following through on them.
Practice makes progress, they say, and as I am currently debating a few topics with myself, I will no doubt be able to excercise my decision-making ability fairly frequently in the near future. The trouble is that when I actually start making decisions for myself, there will be no one but myself to blame for how things turn out...
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
(In)Dependence
Yesterday I came upon the realization that I am utterly and completely dependent upon my husband -- for everything. Not in the personal sense, as I think I have quite an independent nature, but in the practical sense.
My husband and I are from different countries and we live in a third country. This has been the case since the inception of our relationship. The third country (ie. where we live) changes frequently, but the situation itself doesn't change. This lifestyle, by definition, necessitates all manner of beurocracy: passports, visas, work permits, etc and as a result I am inextricably bound to my husband. His job provides the necessary paperwork for us to be able to live here, which means that without him, my papers are invalid. Also, the type of paperwork I receive only allows me to live, but not to work, in aforementioned third country.
Until recently, this has not been much of an issue. I am a stay-at-home Mom by choice so the inability to work has not concerned me overly much. However, as we live in the US, and as I am not the privileged holder of a Social Security Number, I am constantly disadvantaged. I was reminded of this once again yesterday, when I tried to procure a new cell phone for myself, that a SSN is required for pretty much everything in this country. This means that I, myself, am unable do pretty much everything - on my own - in this country.
As a result, I think I will finally need to look into getting myself some real papers of my own. Not just for the cell phone or a bank account or setting up auto-pay for the electricity bill or getting an Old Navy credit card or any of the multitude of things I can't presently do. Not just for the possibility of being able to legally accept some kind of work were it offered to me. But for myself and my independence.
My husband and I are from different countries and we live in a third country. This has been the case since the inception of our relationship. The third country (ie. where we live) changes frequently, but the situation itself doesn't change. This lifestyle, by definition, necessitates all manner of beurocracy: passports, visas, work permits, etc and as a result I am inextricably bound to my husband. His job provides the necessary paperwork for us to be able to live here, which means that without him, my papers are invalid. Also, the type of paperwork I receive only allows me to live, but not to work, in aforementioned third country.
Until recently, this has not been much of an issue. I am a stay-at-home Mom by choice so the inability to work has not concerned me overly much. However, as we live in the US, and as I am not the privileged holder of a Social Security Number, I am constantly disadvantaged. I was reminded of this once again yesterday, when I tried to procure a new cell phone for myself, that a SSN is required for pretty much everything in this country. This means that I, myself, am unable do pretty much everything - on my own - in this country.
As a result, I think I will finally need to look into getting myself some real papers of my own. Not just for the cell phone or a bank account or setting up auto-pay for the electricity bill or getting an Old Navy credit card or any of the multitude of things I can't presently do. Not just for the possibility of being able to legally accept some kind of work were it offered to me. But for myself and my independence.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Enough is Enough
Yesterday I reached the breaking point: that magical moment where my proverbial cup ran over and the straw broke the camel's back. It was a long time coming, as is often the case, so it is not overly surprising that it did come. However, I do find it curious that the event that marked the end of Enough was not really all that cataclysmic.
Which makes me ponder when it is that we decide that Enough really is Enough. Maybe I had already decided and was just waiting for one more thing - anything - to happen to be able to announce to the world, that I had, indeed, had Enough.
Because once that was decided, texts were sent, phone calls were made, emails were mailed and actions were taken that will quickly and seriously alter the lives of those involved. My Enough has quickly become bigger than me and I am left with a mixed bag of feelings, running the gamut from relief to disappointment.
So while this chapter has ended, the question that I still have is what exactly makes me decide when Enough is Enough? There are other parts of my life in which tensions are palpable, and have been for a long time. What will make me decide to call "Enough!" in those situations? Or what if someone else calls it first?
Because calling it is just the beginning...
Which makes me ponder when it is that we decide that Enough really is Enough. Maybe I had already decided and was just waiting for one more thing - anything - to happen to be able to announce to the world, that I had, indeed, had Enough.
Because once that was decided, texts were sent, phone calls were made, emails were mailed and actions were taken that will quickly and seriously alter the lives of those involved. My Enough has quickly become bigger than me and I am left with a mixed bag of feelings, running the gamut from relief to disappointment.
So while this chapter has ended, the question that I still have is what exactly makes me decide when Enough is Enough? There are other parts of my life in which tensions are palpable, and have been for a long time. What will make me decide to call "Enough!" in those situations? Or what if someone else calls it first?
Because calling it is just the beginning...
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Daring to Dream
By George, I've done it! I'm pretty sure I've come up with a dream, a plan, a goal for myself. Granted, I've had vague notions of future plans before but none of them have felt like this.
Over the past year or so, I have come up with many plans. No, actually, other people (husband, friends) have suggested many ideas to me about what I could do with myself, career-wise. They have all been good ideas. I would likely be able to make any or all of them succeed given the particular set of skills with which I am equipped. While that is all well and good, none of those plans ever felt perfectly me.
Some might say I'm being a mite too fussy but, honestly, if I am starting from scratch in designing a future for myself, then, dammit, I want it to fit! Perfectly! Whatever career I end up having that will take me away from my children and my family, has to be something that I am going to love completely. To be cliche about it, it has to be a "calling". I want my work to feel like play. And why shouldn't I?
The amazing thing is that I think I've found it. I believe I have found something that fits, that suits me. It is not something I can do yet. I will need to work towards it, but I know that I can do it. I have even signed up for the first set of classes! (Yay me!) There are a number of classes I will need to take, there are many things I will have to learn and there are skills I will have to master but that's ok. I am so excited by the possibilities!
And for once, I'm not bringing myself down by thinking about the practicalities. I'll deal with those when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on getting this ball rolling -- and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Over the past year or so, I have come up with many plans. No, actually, other people (husband, friends) have suggested many ideas to me about what I could do with myself, career-wise. They have all been good ideas. I would likely be able to make any or all of them succeed given the particular set of skills with which I am equipped. While that is all well and good, none of those plans ever felt perfectly me.
Some might say I'm being a mite too fussy but, honestly, if I am starting from scratch in designing a future for myself, then, dammit, I want it to fit! Perfectly! Whatever career I end up having that will take me away from my children and my family, has to be something that I am going to love completely. To be cliche about it, it has to be a "calling". I want my work to feel like play. And why shouldn't I?
The amazing thing is that I think I've found it. I believe I have found something that fits, that suits me. It is not something I can do yet. I will need to work towards it, but I know that I can do it. I have even signed up for the first set of classes! (Yay me!) There are a number of classes I will need to take, there are many things I will have to learn and there are skills I will have to master but that's ok. I am so excited by the possibilities!
And for once, I'm not bringing myself down by thinking about the practicalities. I'll deal with those when the time comes. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on getting this ball rolling -- and I'm going to enjoy the ride.
Monday, 10 May 2010
Absence
You may have noticed that I have been absent from blogland for a while. If you have noticed and have missed me, then I thank you for noticing. I knew it had been a few days since I had written but didn't realize it had been quite so long. There are many excuses to be proffered, mostly about me being busy, but when it comes right down to it, it really doesn't matter why I was absent, only that I was.
The fact that I was absent is also a stark reminder for me that I have been falling into old habits, specifically being that of not talking when I am upset. I started this blog to make me exercise my voice in the hopes that it would be there when I needed it. Obviously, there is still work that needs to be done.
The past few days have been rather emotional ones for me on many levels. There have been ups, downs, highs and lows and while I think I handled most of them fairly well, I was not able to organize my thoughts well enough to put any of it in my blog. Although I was using my real voice, my virtual voice was absent and suffered accordingly.
Bearing all that in mind, I will pledge to myself to do better. To write even when I am not at my best -- perhaps because I am not at my best. To exercise my voice in all its capacities, that it might serve me well when I most need it. To stay faithful to myself and, simply, to be present.
The fact that I was absent is also a stark reminder for me that I have been falling into old habits, specifically being that of not talking when I am upset. I started this blog to make me exercise my voice in the hopes that it would be there when I needed it. Obviously, there is still work that needs to be done.
The past few days have been rather emotional ones for me on many levels. There have been ups, downs, highs and lows and while I think I handled most of them fairly well, I was not able to organize my thoughts well enough to put any of it in my blog. Although I was using my real voice, my virtual voice was absent and suffered accordingly.
Bearing all that in mind, I will pledge to myself to do better. To write even when I am not at my best -- perhaps because I am not at my best. To exercise my voice in all its capacities, that it might serve me well when I most need it. To stay faithful to myself and, simply, to be present.
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