A couple of months ago, I took my level I Reiki training. During the meditation following my attunement the second day, I had a very interesting yet, at the time, rather unnerving encounter with a non-physical (the spirit of one who has passed over). If you'd like, you can read about it here. A week or so later, I went to see my crystal therapist and had another encounter with a non-physical during the meditation and in a dream that night (it was the same 'person' in both instances).
I hadn't really given either of these encounters much thought since they happened so you can imagine my surprise when my father-in-law showed up while I was in the middle of giving my husband a reiki treatment the other night. His presence put me a little on edge because a) he always made me nervous and b) he died almost 7 years ago. The abridged version of this story is that my father-in-law was there simply to let his son know that he loved him. I relaxed and continued with the reiki session and my father-in-law left. However, not one to ever do anything simply or quietly, he decided to start tapping on the ceiling (to let my husband know he was there). This was terribly distracting for me, so he finally did leave -- tapping the ceiling down the length of the house as he left.
When the session was over, I told my husband what had happened. He was surprised and intrigued and really quite thrilled with this new-found gift I seem to have. I'm really not sure what to make of my gift. At the moment, it's a bit unsettling for me to be seeing dead people, although at least so far, they've all been people I know. More importantly, I'm really not sure what to do with this gift. I will have to start looking into it and talking to others with the same gift to see what it all means and what I might be able to do with it.
The day following my father-in-law's visit, my husband told his mother about what had happened. She is no stranger to psychics, spirits and all things other-worldly so was not at all surprised by what had transpired. In fact, she went so far as to say that she's always known that I'm "special" this way and that my husband needs to understand that I live in a different world. I think perhaps this would have been good information to have had a long time ago-- although it likely wouldn't have made sense before now.
Timing aside, I've been giving a lot of thought to what she said and I think she's right about the fact that I live in a different world. At first, I didn't quite know what she meant but I think I do now: the world I live in is full of energy and light that most people can't see or sense. I've written before about how I often feel so alone and like I just don't fit in. I think I've just figured out why...
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Absolute Joy
In Friday's class, we had to give a 1-hour massage -- blindfolded. Many of my classmates were nervous and some were dreading it but I thought the idea was intriguing. My husband figured it wouldn't make much difference to me; I am so good at feeling people's energy fields that I wouldn't even need to see. He was right: the blindfold made almost no difference to me at all and I completely enjoyed giving a blind massage. (In fact, the biggest problem I had was that in not looking at my client, I found my head lolling about and ended up getting a kink in my neck.)
By the end of class, I had received a one hour (blind) massage and given an hour-long blind massage and was feeling pretty good. That was when one of my instructors came over and told me, "It was an absolute joy to watch you work". Wow! It was an absolute joy to hear her say so because for me it was more than just a compliment, it was (yet another) affirmation that I am headed in the right direction.
By the end of class, I had received a one hour (blind) massage and given an hour-long blind massage and was feeling pretty good. That was when one of my instructors came over and told me, "It was an absolute joy to watch you work". Wow! It was an absolute joy to hear her say so because for me it was more than just a compliment, it was (yet another) affirmation that I am headed in the right direction.
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Everything Happens (For a Reason)
We've all seen versions of this idea before either forwarded to us in an email chain or passed on to us from some wise friend. Regardless of the source and of the wording, I'm sure we're all familiar with something like these words from Deepak Chopra:
"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
Any of you keeping up with this blog will know by know that my school has had a profound effect on me, as it does on everyone who chooses to study there. It is a magical place that guides lost souls on a path of self-discovery, all the while teaching them useful career skills. As one of my instructors said, learning massage therapy keeps us focused while we learn about who we are. There is a reason that I found my school at this particular time in my life.
It's no surprise, then, that the friendships I am building at school are also quite special. It's been a rather slow process but in the last few weeks I feel as if we are all finally getting to know each other on a less superficial level. We have moved beyond being classmates and are on our way to becoming friends.
I've recently been spending quite a bit of time with one classmate in particular. We have a wealth of common interests and I was struck the last time I was with her by the way that our life experiences are so complimentary to each other. We each seem to have experiences that will help and guide the other. I have a feeling that she play an instrumental role in my life over the next six months, in one way or another.
Monday, 21 February 2011
I Want It All
On Saturday night, I had the immense pleasure of participating in a dance performance at a ceilidh. I always love to take part in performances as they offer me the opportunity to dance without being subject to the critical eyes of judges at competitions. Performing at a ceilidh is even more fun, because there's no better audience than those who are at a large celtic party. I also get to enjoy the festivities and other performances (bagpipers, bands, other dancers) when I am not dancing. It's most enjoyable.
However, on Saturday night, much to my dismay, I did not perform at my best. It might have actually been one of my worst. I danced 3 of 5 dances well, and made one small mistake in a 4th dance. But I really, really messed up one dance very badly and I am having trouble finding adequate excuses for it. I'm going to write it off as a bad case of nerves -- and possibly being nervous for my little friend who was performing for the very first time. In any case, it was a terrible demonstration of the skills and talents I have been aquiring over the past 5 years.
It was also a bit of a reality check. Over the past couple of years I have found it more and more difficult to even get to dance class regularly, let alone practice in between lessons. I have been toying with the idea of competing again soon, for mostly practical 'institutional' reasons (which are rather complicated and to get into the details here would serve no purpose). I do also sort of miss the competitions. I get horribly nervous but I do love the feeling I get when I've faced the competition and done my best -- especially if I get to take home awards. But what I realized after Saturday night is that I am really in no shape to be competing anytime soon.
It seems that with everything else that is going on, I have spread myself a little too thin to be really any good at any one thing. In typical Gemini fashion, I love variety and have been allowing myself to do it all. Or at least try to. Currently, I play my roles as mother, wife, chauffeur, student, and massage therapist while still trying to attend dance and guitar lessons, go to yoga and the gym. The trouble is that I love it all and I don't want to give any of it up.
I guess what I have to consider is what is more important: feeding all my areas of interest and well-being or depriving myself of a few of my creative outlets to be able to really excel at those that are left. I will no doubt find the answer to this question after my next dance competition (whenever that may be), when I will very likely go home empty-handed. Empty, at least in the traditional sense -- but perhaps fuller in the grand scheme of all things.
However, on Saturday night, much to my dismay, I did not perform at my best. It might have actually been one of my worst. I danced 3 of 5 dances well, and made one small mistake in a 4th dance. But I really, really messed up one dance very badly and I am having trouble finding adequate excuses for it. I'm going to write it off as a bad case of nerves -- and possibly being nervous for my little friend who was performing for the very first time. In any case, it was a terrible demonstration of the skills and talents I have been aquiring over the past 5 years.
It was also a bit of a reality check. Over the past couple of years I have found it more and more difficult to even get to dance class regularly, let alone practice in between lessons. I have been toying with the idea of competing again soon, for mostly practical 'institutional' reasons (which are rather complicated and to get into the details here would serve no purpose). I do also sort of miss the competitions. I get horribly nervous but I do love the feeling I get when I've faced the competition and done my best -- especially if I get to take home awards. But what I realized after Saturday night is that I am really in no shape to be competing anytime soon.
It seems that with everything else that is going on, I have spread myself a little too thin to be really any good at any one thing. In typical Gemini fashion, I love variety and have been allowing myself to do it all. Or at least try to. Currently, I play my roles as mother, wife, chauffeur, student, and massage therapist while still trying to attend dance and guitar lessons, go to yoga and the gym. The trouble is that I love it all and I don't want to give any of it up.
I guess what I have to consider is what is more important: feeding all my areas of interest and well-being or depriving myself of a few of my creative outlets to be able to really excel at those that are left. I will no doubt find the answer to this question after my next dance competition (whenever that may be), when I will very likely go home empty-handed. Empty, at least in the traditional sense -- but perhaps fuller in the grand scheme of all things.
Friday, 18 February 2011
Up 'n' At 'Em
Well, I'm up at least. After having been down -- very, very down in a deep dark place -- I am back up and functioning in a well-lit world. This is not to say that I have overcome all the troubles that had me sink into the Depths of Despair* but I have been able to at least find a better, brighter place in which to face them.
This change of perspective happened literally overnight following a conversation I had with a dear friend** in which she gave me a serious virtual and verbal ass-kicking. It takes a true friend to be able to "tough-love" you into picking yourself up and getting on with things. There were times during our little talk when I felt like I was a teenager again, being lectured on my wrongdoings and mumbling "I know, I know" as the only form of futile expression I could create. Because really, I did know. I knew she was right about everything she was telling me, even though it was not at all what I wanted to hear. I knew she was right when she said that even though the easiest thing for me to do at the time was to sit in the dark and shun the rest of the world, it was not healthy and was not going to change any of my circumstances. Sometimes a loving kick in the butt is needed so much more than an understanding, listening ear. Thank my lucky stars, K knew which role she had to play that night -- and did so with bravado. She deserves and Oscar for that. And she deserves the biggest "thank you" that can be mustered, from myself and those around me who were either worried or just plain sick of being around the miserable Me. K, you truly are a Godsend. I love you bunches.
** please go visit her at A New Day
This change of perspective happened literally overnight following a conversation I had with a dear friend** in which she gave me a serious virtual and verbal ass-kicking. It takes a true friend to be able to "tough-love" you into picking yourself up and getting on with things. There were times during our little talk when I felt like I was a teenager again, being lectured on my wrongdoings and mumbling "I know, I know" as the only form of futile expression I could create. Because really, I did know. I knew she was right about everything she was telling me, even though it was not at all what I wanted to hear. I knew she was right when she said that even though the easiest thing for me to do at the time was to sit in the dark and shun the rest of the world, it was not healthy and was not going to change any of my circumstances. Sometimes a loving kick in the butt is needed so much more than an understanding, listening ear. Thank my lucky stars, K knew which role she had to play that night -- and did so with bravado. She deserves and Oscar for that. And she deserves the biggest "thank you" that can be mustered, from myself and those around me who were either worried or just plain sick of being around the miserable Me. K, you truly are a Godsend. I love you bunches.
* If you unfamiliar with the depths of despair, please go find yourself a copy of "Anne of Green Gables" by Lucy Maud Montgomery.
Monday, 14 February 2011
(Happy) Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day. I've already said it once today and I'm sure I will be saying it many more times before the day is done. It *is* Valentine's Day, but mine is not a Happy one. Yes, I will go through the motions of exchanging cards, giving trinkets to the children and helping with elementary school festivities. I will put on my best Valentine's Day face and assume that no one will notice that the Happy is missing. I will honestly wish everyone I see a Happy Valentine's Day but I know that every time I hear that same wish bestowed upon me, it will remind me that mine is not a Happy Valentine's Day. Indeed I wonder whether any of my days will ever be happy again.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Privacy
I had lunch with a classmate today and at one point our discussion turned to her 15-year-old daughter, whose current favourite phrase is, "Leave me alone!". While my friend understands her daughter's need for privacy, she is worried that if she continues to tell everyone in her world to leave her be, that one day she really will find herself truly alone.
I also understand, very well, the need to be left alone although I don't think I was ever as vocal about it as my friend's daughter. I also understand, perhaps too well, her need for privacy. In the course of our conversation today (and as a result of some recent events in my own life) I realized that I am, and always have been, a very private person. It takes a certain kind of person to ask just the right questions to be able to draw me out and really get to the real Me.
I've been pondering the idea of privacy all night, and even went so far as to look up the definition on dictionary.com. There I found 16 definitions of 'private', among which were:
I also understand, very well, the need to be left alone although I don't think I was ever as vocal about it as my friend's daughter. I also understand, perhaps too well, her need for privacy. In the course of our conversation today (and as a result of some recent events in my own life) I realized that I am, and always have been, a very private person. It takes a certain kind of person to ask just the right questions to be able to draw me out and really get to the real Me.
I've been pondering the idea of privacy all night, and even went so far as to look up the definition on dictionary.com. There I found 16 definitions of 'private', among which were:
- not open or accessible to the general public
- without the presence of others; alone.
- solitary; secluded.
- preferring privacy
'Privacy', in turn, resulted in fewer definitions, among them:
- the state of being private; retirement or seclusion.
- the state of being free from intrusion or disturbance in one's private life or affairs
What I've concluded is that all of the above definitions are also all very accurate descriptions of me. Unfortuately, I've become aware in the past year or so that many people close to me are/have been hurt or affronted that I do not want to share myself with them. It's really not that at all, it's just that sharing myself, my thoughts and my feelings is not what I do. Or at least not what I do well. And certainly not something I do with ease or without requiring a certain amount of work to draw me out. I have been - and still am - trying to work on being more open but it's extremely difficult for me. All I ask is patience and understanding.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Heart of Darkness
I think I'm going to disappear. A dense, dark fog is beginning to envelope me and there's nowhere to turn. It's hard to breathe. My head hurts and I have no more tears. This is going to be a hard one to shake. I'm not up for this kind of challenge. It's much easier to give myself over to the darkness.
Monday, 7 February 2011
Silver Linings
I can't really seem to make much sense of my life right now. My marriage is a maelstrom. I think it's fair to say that this is the lowest of the lows we've seen. I honestly can't where we're going to end up or how we're going to get there so at the moment I'm just trying to weather the storm and hope that my ship doesn't sink.
On the other hand, school is going well and the seas upon which I sail towards my new career are calm. There even seems to be a gentle breeze filling out my sails. I have my first practical exam coming up this week and while that is stressing me out, I am still loving school and loving all the new things I am learning. This weekend I spent 16 hours learning how to do hot stone massage. Needless to say that the combination of rocks, crystals, warmth and massage was the perfect combination of elements for me. I loved it! These weekend classes involve lots of hands-on time so over the course of the weekend, I gave nearly 4 hours of massage -- and received as well. I was SO productive when I got home from school this evening. Next weekend, I have more fun classes at school and will be starting upon another series of classes in an Energyworker Apprenticeship Program. Go me!
I am also trying my damndest to focus on the positive things in my life and, it seems, to keep myself really, really, busy. I think my subconscious brain has decided that if I have too much to do, I won't have time to think about the negatives. So far, I think it's working. At some point I'm going to have to stop adding activities to my calendar but as long as I'm enjoying it all, I guess I'll just go with it.
A friend of mine told me tonight that I am much better than him at finding the bright side of things. I'm trying. I really am. Because the other option would take me to a very dark, very lonely place I have no desire to go to. So, here's to love and light and always being able to find the silver lining in every storm cloud.
On the other hand, school is going well and the seas upon which I sail towards my new career are calm. There even seems to be a gentle breeze filling out my sails. I have my first practical exam coming up this week and while that is stressing me out, I am still loving school and loving all the new things I am learning. This weekend I spent 16 hours learning how to do hot stone massage. Needless to say that the combination of rocks, crystals, warmth and massage was the perfect combination of elements for me. I loved it! These weekend classes involve lots of hands-on time so over the course of the weekend, I gave nearly 4 hours of massage -- and received as well. I was SO productive when I got home from school this evening. Next weekend, I have more fun classes at school and will be starting upon another series of classes in an Energyworker Apprenticeship Program. Go me!
I am also trying my damndest to focus on the positive things in my life and, it seems, to keep myself really, really, busy. I think my subconscious brain has decided that if I have too much to do, I won't have time to think about the negatives. So far, I think it's working. At some point I'm going to have to stop adding activities to my calendar but as long as I'm enjoying it all, I guess I'll just go with it.
A friend of mine told me tonight that I am much better than him at finding the bright side of things. I'm trying. I really am. Because the other option would take me to a very dark, very lonely place I have no desire to go to. So, here's to love and light and always being able to find the silver lining in every storm cloud.
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
Snow Day Blues
Today was a snow day and I spent much of the day cozied up in my room, writing. I would have loved to have been writing poetry or short fiction or something creative but that was not for today. Today was for sorting out the thoughts that have been swimming around my head for the last week. For the most part, what I wrote were letters. Some on paper, some on screen. Some have received their letters, some have yet to receive them, some never will. The interesting part was that as the day progressed, as I wrote more, my mood slid downhill. By the end of the day, I had a huge headache and I was in a terrible mood. Usually unloading all my thoughts and feelings makes me feel better but today it seemed to have the opposite effect, likely because I spent so much of my day focusing on negative emotions. I hope that I can move on to a new focus and more enjoyable writing now that my head is (mostly) clear. Can I have another snow day tomorrow, please?
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