Silver Linings

I can't really seem to make much sense of my life right now.  My marriage is a maelstrom.  I think it's fair to say that this is the lowest of the lows we've seen.  I honestly can't where we're going to end up or how we're going to get there so at the moment I'm just trying to weather the storm and hope that my ship doesn't sink.

On the other hand, school is going well and the seas upon which I sail towards my new career are calm.  There even seems to be a gentle breeze filling out my sails.  I have my first practical exam coming up this week and while that is stressing me out, I am still loving school and loving all the new things I am learning.  This weekend I spent 16 hours learning how to do hot stone massage.  Needless to say that the combination of rocks, crystals, warmth and massage was the perfect combination of elements for me.  I loved it!  These weekend classes involve lots of hands-on time so over the course of the weekend, I gave nearly 4 hours of massage -- and received as well.  I was SO productive when I got home from school this evening.  Next weekend, I have more fun classes at school and will be starting upon another series of classes in an Energyworker Apprenticeship Program.  Go me!


I am also trying my damndest to focus on the positive things in my life and, it seems, to keep myself really, really, busy.  I think my subconscious brain has decided that if I have too much to do, I won't have time to think about the negatives.  So far, I think it's working.  At some point I'm going to have to stop adding activities to my calendar but as long as I'm enjoying it all, I guess I'll just go with it. 

A friend of mine told me tonight that I am much better than him at finding the bright side of things.  I'm trying.  I really am.  Because the other option would take me to a very dark, very lonely place I have no desire to go to.  So, here's to love and light and always being able to find the silver lining in every storm cloud.

Snow Day Blues

Today was a snow day and I spent much of the day cozied up in my room, writing.  I would have loved to have been writing poetry or short fiction or something creative but that was not for today.  Today was for sorting out the thoughts that have been swimming around my head for the last week.  For the most part, what I wrote were letters.  Some on paper, some on screen.  Some have received their letters, some have yet to receive them, some never will.  The interesting part was that as the day progressed, as I wrote more, my mood slid downhill.  By the end of the day, I had a huge headache and I was in a terrible mood.  Usually unloading all my thoughts and feelings makes me feel better but today it seemed to have the opposite effect, likely because I spent so much of my day focusing on negative emotions.  I hope that I can move on to a new focus and more enjoyable writing now that my head is (mostly) clear.  Can I have another snow day tomorrow, please?

Summersaults

A week ago, my life took a summersault.  Gone were the ups and downs of my well-known emotional rollercoaster -- this time I was sent tumbling.  I have no idea where I'm going to land and all this rolling and turning is making me dizzy. 

I've had so many thoughts churning about in my head that it's taken me a week to even be able to sit down here and get anything out.  Luckily, I had the opportunity to go away for the weekend to visit friends and family.  It did me a world of good to be able to talk to various people about what was going on and get some fresh perspective.  I found that in the retelling of my recent life's history I was able to sort and prioritize certain issues.  It was very therapeutic in a way that 45 minutes with my therapist just can not be.

I also spent a lot of time driving, giving me plenty of alone time to ponder and reflect.  I composed several letters in my head while on the road but have yet to set any of them down on paper (or its cyber equivalent).  I hope to be able to do that soon, before I lose any of those thoughts.

Perhaps the impending snow day tomorrow will be the perfect opportunity to do that... 

On the Edge

Well, it seems I did jinx myself after all.  Not that I was really any less productive today than I have been.  I got a lot done & the day flew by, which is always nice.  However, I did manage to jinx my mood because I finally fell off of Cloud 9, where I'd been residing since last Friday.

I knew all of these wonderfully pleasant feelings couldn't - and wouldn't - last, but I'd hoped I'd get more than 3 days before I came down off my high.  I shouldn't really complain.  I should be happy with what I can get -- but I was really, really hoping to keep the sadness and misery at bay for just a few days longer.

However, a conversation I had last night brought me suddenly back to the stark reality of the current messed up state of my life and this morning I found myself, once again, perched on the edge of a deep, dark chasm trying desperately not to fall in.  I can feel the downward spiral starting and I do NOT want to go there.  I've been fighting it all day long, so far with a fair amount of success.  I'm just not sure how long I'll be able to balance on the edge before I fall.  With any luck it will be long enough to catch a good breeze that will float me back up to the happy, productive place I spent the last few days. 

Productivity

I hate to jinx myself by continuing to talk about it, but I've just had yet another lovely day full of positive and productive energy.  I think I've gotten more done in the past two evenings that I have in the past month.  Well, possibly not, but it sure feels that way.  It really does make life more enjoyable. And since I'm very afraid it won't last, I'm taking advantage of every minute of it.

 

Shiny Happy People

On Thursday night I went to see my friendly neighbourhood crystal therapist, Carol.  She's the wonderful girl I took some crystalogy classes with in the Spring (the classes which led me to Reiki, which in turn led me to Massage Therapy).  I hadn't seen her in about 6 months and although I'd been wanting to go visit, I never made it enough of a priority.  Luckily, she started a new set of classes so I had incentive to go see her.

As it turned out, I was the only one who turned up for our lesson on Thursday, which meant I had Carol all to myself.  We had a lesson on amethyst (by far my favourite stone) and then did a couple of meditations with the stones.  Simply being surrounded by that much amethyst was enough to make me feel better, even curing the headache I'd had all day.  Adding a meditation or two to the stones was the perfect remedy for everything else.  By the end of the evening I felt balanced and realigned and refreshed.

Today, I've just been bursting with energy and goodness.  I've had a great day and a rosy outlook and I've been  productive at school and at home to boot.  It is such a strange feeling to have so much energy.  I'm used to having a long list of Things to Do and just never getting around to any of them because I have so much difficulty stirring myself into motion.  I am loving the change and loving the life and positivity I've had all day.  I can't imagine what a different life I could lead.  (I also can't imagine that, I assume, most people feel like this almost all the time.  Incredible!)  I SO wish there was some way I could feel like this all the time.

I'm going to try to have regular "treatments" for the next while and with any luck, that will be just what the doctor ordered.

Self-Improvement Junkie

It looks like this will be the Year of Me.  I have started the new year, not with resolutions, but with actions.  I didn't just make plans and empty promises to myself, I just went ahead and started working on a few things that will make me a better, happier, healthier, more satisfied Me.

Over Christmas break, I stopped drinking pop.  It's really amazing how that one little change has completely influenced my diet.  It has made it so much easier to cut out all the unhealthy foods and makes the healthy foods taste that much better.  I am also trying to cut out artificial sweetener and high fructose corn syrup, which is not an easy task, but I am determined to try.  The overhaul was instigated by a few Nutrition and Food Science classes I had at school, which have completely inspired me to eat better.  It's going to involve making new eating habits, taking time to shop and learning how to cook all sorts of new foods, but I'm willing to give it a go.  It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm happy to take it slow & steady.

Then, two weeks ago I joined the gym.  I have been going to the gym off and on for years.  I was not genetically blessed with a lithe body or a high-speed metabolism so I've always had to be pretty vigilant about keeping in shape (and eating properly).  Exercise has been a part of my life for around the past 20 years so when it stops being there, I miss it -- and so does my body.  I am one of those odd people who actually enjoys working out and, naturally, enjoys the benefits of it.  Perhaps it's because, due to my tendency to depression, I notice that seratonin boost a little more than other people.  In any case, I hadn't been working out regularly in over a year an a half and I missed it -- and I was really not impressed with the out-of-shape and overweight version of my body that greeted me every day in the mirror.  So I joined the gym (again) and even got myself a couple of appointments with a personal trainer, who completely kicked my butt but in the best possible way.  I'm still undecided if I should continue with the trainer (so much money!) but I'm thinking I might, just for a couple of months to really get me going and to teach me a few new tricks. 

Also about two weeks ago, I bought myself a guitar.  I went to this fabulous local guitar store, really just to look and inquire about lessons for my daughter but ended up walking out with a beautiful (2nd hand) guitar.  Music is not new for me but it's been a long while since I've played an instrument.  I took piano lessons from age 8-13, took a handful of guitar lessons when I was about 9, played a smattering of instruments in elementary school (mostly flute and trumpet) and then played the baritone in my highschool band (and trumpet in stage band).  I do miss playing and will sit down at the piano whenever I'm at my parents' house.  I've been trying to reconcile getting a piano for myself but given how often we move, it just doesn't make sense.  Guitars, however, are much more portable.  I also had the added inspiration of my 9-year-old daughter, who recently inherited my old childhood guitar.  She's been bugging for lessons, and while I was inquiring about them, I decided that it wasn't too late for me either.  So, starting this weekend, we will be learning to play guitar together. 

January is off to a good start.  I can't wait to see what February has in store!
 

Full Circle

I saw this status update on Facebook the other day: "I am not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. I am going to be the person I am meant to be."  It was generated by Status Shuffle so it's not that the person I stole it from was being creative or reflective in any way.  Nonetheless, I can't stop thinking about it.

Last weekend, as you know, I took a Reiki class, which I loved and which reinforced (yet again) that the path I've chosen is the right one.  The Reiki class and the Spirit Encounter also got me thinking about the old Me.  In highschool I was good friends with a girl whose mother was into what was then called "New Age" stuff.  This friend taught me a lot about crystals, auras, spirits, etc.  Not so much about energy work, but maybe that would have come, too.  We used to go downtown and hang out in the "Occult Book Shop".  It was awesome.  Sadly, my friendship with this girl came to a fairly disasterous end and so did my connection to the only people I knew who knew anything about any of this stuff.  Soon, university and Life followed and I followed one adventure after another. 

This week I've been thinking that it almost feels as if I've come full circle -- that I'm picking up where I left off 22 years ago.  I'm trying to be positive and not think that I've wasted the last 22 years.  (Imagine where I'd be and what I'd know had I not had such a long hiatus!)  But I remind myself of all the other life experiences I've had and how much I have learned from them.  I am just so glad I've been able to land in the right place; that despite trying to do what was expected of me, or what I thought was expected of me (go to school, get a "good" job), I have still managed to end up doing what I was meant to do. 

I guess that hiatus was there to teach me the difference.  And now that I know, I, too, can say that "I am not going to be the person I am expected to be anymore. I am going to be the person I am meant to be."

On Jealousy and Envy

I am not a jealous person.  This often invites stares and comments of incredulity.  I've been giving this a lot of thought lately, as certain circumstances have arisen that- one would think - should send me into a fit of jealousy.  And yet, that doesn't seem to be happening.

Jealousy, as I understand it, is an emotion brought on by the fear of losing something (partner, relationship) to a rival.  Thus, in order to be jealous, one must think they are going to lose something.  In all my years in relationships, I have never had this fear.  Mostly, I was content enough and secure enough in my relationship to know that if my guy talked to or flirted with another girl, that our relationship was still intact and would carry on unscathed.  No fear.  The same is true for the flipside: that if I realized that the flirting was in some way going too far, our relationship was already damaged enough that I wasn't all too worried if it ended or not.  Again, no fear.  And without fear, there is no jealousy.

Jealousy, however, is not to be confused with envy (as it so often is) even when the two emotions overlap or occur simultaneously.  Reading up on the subject on Wikipedia, I learned that philosopher John Rawls distinguishes between jealousy and envy on the ground that jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have.  Or, as psychologists Laura Guerrero and Peter Andersen have proposed, the jealous person "perceives that he or she possesses a valued relationship, but is in danger of losing it or at least of having it altered in an undesirable manner," whereas the envious person "does not possess a valued commodity, but wishes to possess it."   In relationships (mine, at least), the commodity is usually affection.  

So, while I may be more or less immune to jealousy - at least thus far in my life - I have been touched many times by envy.  There is nothing worse - especially if you're single - to see the guy you like making out with another girl at the school dance.  Envy is not a feeling I enjoy and I usually try to rationalize my way out of it as it usually finds me in situations in which I really have no right to experience it (Why shouldn't Bob make out with Mary?  She's his girlfriend, I'm not.) which generally makes it easier to deal with. 

Neither jealousy nor envy are pleasant emotions.  But as long as we understand that they are different emotions, they can be dealt with and understood better -- which will, hopefully, in turn, help people to understand me better.

The Possibilities are Endless

I love energy work.  I love giving it and I love receiving it.  Whenever I perform energy work on someone, I am completely at peace and just *know* that this is what I was meant to do.  It's the most amazing feeling ever.

This weekend I took a Reiki I class (through my school).  I have been looking forward to learning Reiki since last spring.  In fact, it was my interest in learning Reiki that led me to the school I am currently attending, where I am learning massage therapy -- and a plethora of other forms of healing arts, Reiki among them.  So, having been looking forward to this class for quite a long time and having known other students and a few practitioners, I thought I knew what to expect.  Lesson #1: you never know what might happen when you're doing energy work.  Just as I never expected to a) have a problem with my pancreas and b) suddenly start crying when it was being worked on in Polarity class, I certainly never would have expected anything like what happened today to occur.

The Reiki classes, as well as a few other classes at school like those on crystals, auras & chakras are taught by a very talented and well-known light and energy worker in our area.  She is also a psychic (and very proud of being listed as one of the Top 100 Psychics in America) so I was very glad that I had today's experience in her presence.

Both yesterday morning and this morning, all the students were given an "attunement" by the instructor or one of her apprentices.  It was a quick Reiki session that let us experience Reiki and prepared us for practicing Reiki on ourselves and others.  Both the attunements I had were very pleasant and relaxing, however it was what happened after today's attunement that completely threw me.

To make a potentially long story short (and not scare any of my readers any more than necessary) I was temporarily posessed by a spirit -- a very sad spirit.  It all happened in a space of about 10 minutes while we were in meditation waiting for everyone's attunements to be completed. Not having any other choice, I worked through it on my own, relying basically on my instincts.  This is really not a situation that anyone prepares you for so I did what I knew how to do (breathe white light and talk to the spirit) and it worked: the sad spirit was comforted and left full of gratitude.

Later, as I shared my (very emotional) experience with the class, my instructor told me who it was who had visited me (not precisely but gave me enough information that I knew exactly who it was) and reassured me that I had handled the situation in the right way.  Then - and this is what surprised me more than having been visited by a spirit - she proceeded to tell me that she sees a future for me in "spiritual release" (which, she added, is a very lucrative field of work).

So, in the course of a day, I fulfilled a goal by completing one step toward part of my future career plan to become a Reiki master and practitioner and I discovered another completely new talent and yet another possible career option.  This path I am on may be bumpy, but it is never boring.