Hurry Up and Wait

Today I had a nice, long chat with a dear friend.  We hadn't talked (well, skyped) in at least 3 or 4 months so there was a lot to share.  This friend is particularly good at saying very little, but saying it very effectively and also very good at asking exactly the right questions to get me to open up and, often, think about things differently.  While I loved our chat and loved getting all caught up, our conversation stirred up some thoughts and, consequently, some feelings that it seems I'd been ignoring -- or at least trying to forget about.  Not 2 hours after we'd said goodnight, my mind was spinning and I was in tears.

On the one hand, my situation now is not very different than how things usually are every 3 years or so when my husband's work contract is up for renewal.  There's always a lot of uncertainty and a lot of waiting.  I always hate it, but I always get through it.  This time is really not that much different, except that a) the renewal time is much shorter and b) there is so much more riding on it.  This extension is really only just to buy us a bit of time to figure out what comes next -- and at this point nobody knows what comes next, neither in my husband's professional life, nor in our personal lives.

I'm generally not much of a planner, but when my whole future and my whole life hangs in the balance -- moreso than ever before -- I would really like to know where I'm going to end up.  But alas, there's really nothing I can do but be patient and see how the next year unfolds.

Starting Point

I've had so much going on and so many thoughts swirling around in my head for the past couple of weeks that I haven't been able to make sense of anything or turn it into anything coherent.  Today, I was able to catch hold of the tail of something flying by and when I got a better feel for it, I realized it was Fear.  I am absolutely terrified that a) everything I've been working towards and working for will be all for naught b) I won't be allowed/able to even try to achieve my goals and c) that I will have to give up everything that I want in order to make everyone else happy.

I can't elaborate any further at this point, but I think that identifying some of the the feelings I have is a good place to start...

The Only Thing that's Certain is the Uncertainty

It suddenly hit me that aside from the monotony of my days, almost Everything Else in my life at the moment is uncertain: my marriage, my career, my immigration status, my life.

I think the upcoming end to my schooling and the changes that will inevitably accompany that have got me a little freaked out.  I have 3 weeks left of school and I have no idea what I will do after graduation.  Ok, I have some idea but it's all pretty vague.  I'll continue with Reiki and Energy classes, I'll study for and write my State and National exams and -- hopefully -- I'll do a little work on the side.  Unfortunately, given my current immigration status, I can't get a real job anywhere.  Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know.  The fact remains that once school ends, I will have to move on to the next phase of this journey and I don't know where it will lead.

I know where I want it to lead.  I have allowed myself to dream a little bit, despite the uncertainty of Everything Else.  For the first time EVER, I have career aspirations and concrete goals -- and I am terrified that Everything Else will prevent me from reaching those goals.  Or that I will have make choices I don't particularly want to make in order to make them happen.

Those choices will be necessary because Everything Else is all related.  Nothing exists on its own -- the many facets of Life are irrevocably intertwined -- which makes it complicated.  My career goals depend upon my location, which depends upon my immigration status, which depends upon my husband's employment, which depends upon my marriage to him.  And therein lies nothing but uncertainty.  And no matter which way I project and imagine the various scenarios in my future, and the various twists and turns along my path, I can't come up with a single one that makes everyone in my family happy.  The only thing that seems certain is that the next year or two are going to be monumental, and difficult and very, very uncertain.

I know that some people don't mind the uncertainty.  But I've been living with some degree of it -- and a great deal more than most -- for a very long time.  And I would really, really like to trade it in for some safety and security. 

A Little More Understanding

Every once in a while it happens: I wake up in a good mood and it sticks with me for the rest of the day.  It happened to me this week and what's even more surprising is that this time it stuck with me for 3 whole days.  It was fantastic!  I was buoyant, smiling, happy and had an unusual amount of energy.  This led to me to actually accomplish things (like cleaning the house!), which, in turn, led me to feel that much better about myself and Things In General.  It was highly motivating and ever so enjoyable.

Whenever this happens (which is, sadly, only about once a year) I can't help but think that this is probably how normal people go through life.  Everything is bright and clear and positive and so, so easy.  This usually leads me to consider whether or not I really should be on antidepressants -- that maybe I could be that way all the time, and how wonderful that would be.  Except that I don't really believe that antidepressants could make me feel that way all the time, so I quickly stop thinking about it and go back to my awe at how nice it is on the Other Side.

It is so refreshing to feel "normal" every once in a while.  It helps me understand what it's like to live in that other world, if only briefly.  Not that I would wish depression on anyone, but I sometimes wish it was possible to do the opposite as well -- to have those close to me experience a normal day in my world, where everything is cloudy and grey and exhausting.  I'm pretty sure it would lead to them understanding me a little bit more and I believe a little understanding goes a long way...

Hopes and Horoscopes

If any of you have actually been reading what I've been writing for the past while, you'll know that I am in a quandry.  I have been trying to figure out how I can follow my dreams and achieve my goals while, at the same time, allowing those around me to do the same.  In my particular situation, this seems pretty much impossible as my wishes seem to fall in opposition to the desires of the rest of my family.  Try as I might, I just can't seem to figure out how to make all of us happy.

The other part of this problem is that I'm just plain impatient.  Conundrums like this take a long time to figure out.  I've been hovering in this place between for a very long time and I would really like to be done with it, as I don't enjoy being here very much at all.  I try to remind myself to enjoy the journey as much as possible and to pay attention to what I should be learning along the way.  For as far as I can tell (and have been told by those that know about these things), I've got another year and a half ahead of me on this trail before I reach the end.

Sometimes, however, it's nice to know that even when I think I'm losing it and that I can't take it much longer, I find a little something to keep me going.  Today that something was my weekly horoscope in Real Detroit Weekly, which says: "You can't be too sure about anything right now.  Themes of dissolving seem to be everywhere.  When everything that seemed real suddenly dissolves the ego goes right along with it.  Reconnecting the dots takes time.  If you're confused about anything, in the middle of an identity crisis, confusion would seem to be totally appropriate.  Don't even try to snap out of it.  Sometimes the best MO is to let it all dissolve enough to expand beyond your known limits.  Open yourself up to 'not knowing' and consider coming unglued to be an initiation of sorts."  It's so comforting to know it's not just me whose life is dissolving and who is coming unglued as a result.  Now all I have to do is learn to let it all go and embrace the unknown...

Hip Hip Hooray!

I did it!  I survived the week, wrote my exam, passed it with flying colours and have emerged on the other side with my sanity intact!  I am very much looking forward to a few days of relaxation and spending some time with the children, whom I have been ignoring almost completely for the last week while I studied.  They've been troopers -- it's turning out to be a fairly boring summer for them, what with me being busy with school and studies.

Luckily, that is about to change, as tomorrow we embark upon a European vacation, which will reunite our family (my husband has already spent the last 10 days across the pond) and, hopefully, provide us all with some much-needed fun and frolic.

Stressed Out

At least I realized tonight that it wasn't just me -- it seems all of my classmates are freaking out.  We have a major exam at the end of this week -- which has us all panicky to begin with -- but for whatever reason, we've all got a ton of other crazy shit going on: one classmate has a groundhog digging up her landscaping and her boat ran out of gas on the weekend, another classmate has an extraordinary amount of work being piled upon her at her day job and needed to get her brakes fixed twice in two weeks, another classmate has money issues and a useless new husband, another classmate... well, you get the idea.  And, of course, there's me.  My husband went to Germany on a business trip, leaving me to try to study with the kids home 24/7.  I know the trip wasn't his idea, but his absence certainly hasn't made studying any easier.  We are also, somehow,  not get along even when he is on the other side of the world, which is causing me much distraction and causing me to lose focus on the anatomy & physiology that should be foremost in my thoughts this week.

I have no idea what the cosmos is doing, but none of us is very thrilled that everything currently seems to be one snafu on top of the other.  We don't have the capacity to deal with it all right now -- we just want to be left alone to study!  If I can do that for the next two days and if I can make it to the end of the week with my sanity intact, I'll be very pleased -- and more than ready for a few days of downtime!

Dilemma, Part 2

So today my pondering has led me to this question: what do you do when you know you're supposed to feel a certain way and you just don't? Do you follow your inner voice and your own feelings or do you believe what everyone else around you seems to be telling you, which is, quite simply, that your feelings are wrong?

Of course, this brings us back around to the choice to go with your gut, be true to yourself but hurt those around you. Or, listen to others, making them happy but not yourself.

I wonder if I'll ever figure this out...

Words of Wisdom

This quote appeared as a friend's status update on Facebook today:

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” -Steve Jobs

This is exactly what has me in such a dilemma. Because, while I completely, wholeheartedly agree with everything Mr. Jobs says, it is quite another thing to actually live these ideals.

I know that, all too often, I do let others' opinions drown out my inner voice. I have been trying very hard to listen to it and I think I'm getting better at it, but the other voices are still there to contend with. I don't seem to have developed the ability (yet?) to drown them out. I hope that one day I learn to muffle the interference.

Even more, I hope that I am able muster up the courage to follow my heart and my intuition (-- once I've figured out what it is they're saying).

Dilemma

One of the biggest challenges I am facing on my path to a new and improved me is trying to figure out how not to hurt myself.  It sounds so simple.  I mean, who wants to hurt themselves?  Sadly, it appears that I do.  I try so hard to avoid hurting everyone else around me that I end up being hurt as a result.  I would much rather suffer than harm those I care about.  In some cases, this is a good thing but it turns out that doing it all the time is not. 

One phrase from my current favourite song (Falling by The Civil Wars) goes: "Worried about everyone but me/ And I just keep losing myself".  Which is exactly the problem.  I'm so incredibly worried about what everyone else is thinking or feeling or wanting that I pay my own thoughts, feelings and desires no heed.  In the process, I've put myself at the bottom of my own list of People I Care About.

I keep being reminded that I need to make myself a priority; that I need to figure out what I want and what I need (and then, logically, make those things happen).  I understand the theory, but what happens when my needs are the complete opposite of the needs of those whom I love and care about?  How do I say what I need to say when I know my words will sting?  How do I act when I know my actions will hurt?  How do I come to terms with the idea that my happiness is worth causing others pain?  How do I convince myself that I am worth fighting for?

As they sing in Falling: "Please, please tell me you know"...